dial up is excruciating.

merry christmas, happy kwanzaa, happy hanukah... whatever you celebrate... i hope it was a good one.

mine definitely was... i flew home after a hectic night shift at work and arrived to lots of family, turkey and wine. minimal sleep... not a problem. got spoiled on boxing day with lots of skin, csi reruns and cheesecake in bed. little things that make the waiting worth it.

got to see dave and robyn in good old shitby... and a few of the algonquin crew. went to a punk rock show that should have been at the dungeon and i should have been 16. also... suburbia scares me. for real... its terrifying. give me country or real city... you will never catch me living in a cookie cutter home with an SUV and two kids playing on an 8x8 "lawn". EVER. it was nice to see them though... whereever they might be. speaking of... i may have planted some seeds about moving west... north bay blows.

heading to ottawa tomorrow for a few days... hopefully see some of my peoples i've been missing, partcipate in some zaphod dance partying and fingers crossed for wednesday night girls night... christine you better not be in PEI....seriously i need flat beer and wings... 2.50 bar rail, slutty dancing with 18 year olds at the pier and perv's row at barefax. do it.

and now back to what i've been doing for pretty much the entire time i've been home... watching movies and eating.

xo

almost there!

so its been a while...

i managed to get super sick while i was waiting to go to the orthopedic surgeon appointment. 4 days of fever, not sleeping or eating. i was half delirious when i made it to my actual appointment.  and it went just as any interaction with an orthopod goes... he asks a few questions, ignores your answers and then judges you based on what your x-ray looks like. turns out my fracture is actually a bone fragment that's clicking and moving around. he also told me that it takes up to a year to fully heal a separated shoulder nevermind being complicated with a fracture. if in 2-3 months nothing has improved then we'll talk about surgery until then he won't touch me. typical. that's what i've been getting from pretty much everyone lately...

so aside from that.. i went back to work today... so excited. it's amazing how much you look forward to going to work when you're forced to stay home. 

anyway.... another day and 2 nights and then i'm outta here!!!! back home to ontario for the first time since i left in august. 

so stoked. 

seriously. 

even got a ride to the airport after work tuesday morning... zing!

feeling better?

just a couple quick things:

• go watch the movie Sicko. it's an awesome film about the disgusting travesty that is the american health care system or rather... lack thereof. i was in tears by the end of it. despite all the medical shit i've been going through lately i'm pretty damn glad that i'm not going to have a $60,000 bill at the end of it. it makes you realize how fortunate we are to have "free" healthcare regardless of race, socioeconomic status, insurance, pre-existing health conditions. even though there are quirks and downfalls of our system... it's a helluva lot better that what they have down there.  
  
• i've finally found an explanation for why men are so fucked up.... hahah just kidding. apparently there are structural differences between our brains which affects the way we think and feel and totally explains why men think about sex all the time and why women are waaaay better at multitasking.
• might be heading back to work on friday... fingers crossed for a day or two at least until the orthopod decides my fate. hahaha. 
• getting stoked to go home... i've got most of my christmas shopping done... one last gift and i'll be done for good. (i'm super impressed with myself by the way because i'm usually finishing on boxing day. haahah.)
• does anybody remember my post about the Safe Injection Site and ottawa pulling the safe kit program? found this in the newspaper... so heads up kids... don't share your crack pipes. DUH.
• annnnd last one... since i've been following this case for a while... and it's pretty Vancouver relevant... Robert Pickton was sentenced to 25 years with no chance of parole. thank jebus. 

for brendan. 

sorry i couldn't make it kid. 

i miss your face. 

now i'll leave you with my favourite song from an album that i always forget that i love.  how? don't ask. it's me we're talking about. 

quickie

just a quick little update cause i'm feeling lazy tonight... not that i really did anything life altering today... whatever. 

so as of this moment i'm off work indefinitely due to a little incident that tweaked my shoulder. i need a doctor's clearance/stipulations before i can go back. i have mixed feelings about this because a) all that free time "resting" and "healing" is daunting and i get panicky just thinking about not doing anything for long periods of time 

b) i need the money

c) now i'm involved with workman's comp which if bc is anything like ontario it's going to be a helluva lot of paperwork and useless dicking around 

but

d) there's a possibility of going home early 

e) having more than 3 days off in a row isn't so bad... it's when i hit the 4 day mark i get restless

f) there's a possibility i might head down to santa barbara for a few days to hangout... matty and kyle are finally (hahah) going to visit brendan and benny's heading down for a few days so i might join him and feed my need to disappear from the city.

anyway.. tomorrow i have to call and figure out what the hell is the whole process of me being off and going back to work and shit.  

tuesday i've got a massage therapy appointment... thank god because i'm starting to get shooting pain down my left arm... hoping it's not the beginning of this.

wednesday more xrays probably and then fingers crossed hoping on a plane south.

i'll let you know. 

oh ps. just caught the end of the muchmusic "countdown" that had the 2 worst songs by the 2 worst bands i've ever heard as the top 2... hedley and that soulja boy shit. fuck. yes... i'm hating.

love notes

my friend calla makes me look pretty. i love her lots and was fortunate to see her (and her momma!) in ottawa before i left. this pic is from a set taken in april 2006.




had a busy day at work today... but somehow a few beers and some good laughs makes things that much better.

;)

back door

two days in a row.

looking back...

awake and alone... exhausted but my body is still on night shift time. flipping through my old suicidegirls journals, reminiscing in the spaces between. thinking about the last year of my life... where i've been, where i've come from and the patterns i keep finding in my behaviour and feelings. reliving certain days/nights that have wedged themselves in my memory.

it snowed today... reminded me that this time last year on a night like this, cara and i would be in her bed, blankets up to our chins, wearing toques, cradling hot water bottles to keep warm. smoking joints with mittens on and watching downloaded tv shows on her computer. homemade soups, cups of tea and dessert toast.

cut to january... visiting one of my best friends in santa barbara, drinking beer, playing darts, some old man bought me flowers because i was the only girl in the bar... road trippin down to LA and San Diego... skip to april... visiting my sister in halifax and the idiocy that ensued at peggy's cover and hurting myself.... may.. moving again.. turning 25... and then summer... summer was a whirlwind that left my head spinning... always on the move... living out of my backpack and once for a few days.. out of my purse.

i don't really know where i'm going with this... maybe i'm wishing that i could get back a few things that i lost along the way and maybe i should stop dwelling on what was and focus on what is and what could be. sometimes though.. the loneliness is overwhelming.

its that time of year....


my hands are aching, cracking and bleeding and my cat is kneading my chest... guess that means its time for bed. better go put on the kettle for that hot water bottle...

fear vs frustration vs pms

another week goes by mostly unnoticed... working... running around...overtime.. aching... trying not to worry about what feels like impending doom. one man deciding my fate... sounds dramatic doesn't it? i did some lit searches at work last weekend querying distal third clavicle fractures and treatment and subsequently scared myself shitless. apparently they're high risk for non-union (IE not healing) and are usually fixed with surgery (screws, pins, k-wires). chatted briefly with an ortho resident who's doing his ICU rotation right now and he says its probably just my rotator cuff... (even though i told him that a) i can feel bone grinding and b) my family doc and 2 different physiotherapists have told me my rotator cuff is just weak.. not torn)(idiot). i'm probably going to need an MRI which means more useless waiting.

i hate this. i hate having to ask for help... i hate explaining why i need help... i hate relying on people especially since i was so self-sufficient before. i hate that just walking around with my purse (which is small and not heavy) makes my shoulder scream.

i'm at this point where i feel like i'm losing something that i never really had a good grip on to begin with. it sucks. clearly i don't do well with ambiguity when it comes to certain things. i want to know why and i need specifics.

i keep waking up with the overwhelming need to flee... unsure if its the wanderlust that burns through my veins or the empty space filled with thought and worry. unfortunately escape is not an option... avoidance and distraction provides little relief. i need answers and soon. fast and efficient that's how i get shit done and frustratingly enough this situation couldn't be more of the opposite. waiting... and waiting... it seems that all i ever do is wait. i'm fucking sick of it.

the countdowns are on:
orthopedic surgeon -17 days
home - 25 days.

edited to add:
i had forgotten i put this song on le petit ipod. probably my favourite lauryn hill song.

love/hate

i know i'm a bit of a skeptic when it comes to love, however i do enjoy a good love story. typical jess and dizzle dinner and a movie night... eatery take out and a few flicks. tonight's showing featured moulin rouge and breakfast at tiffany's which i had never seen before... (ya ya.. i've never seen the breakfast club either... what are you gonna do?). it seems that most good movies about love always culminate in that one passionate kiss in the rain. this one was no exception.



did i just kill the ending for you? good, cause i'm going to kill this one too. hahahahahaha.



i'm gonna go barf now.

whats with today.... today?

sun was shining today... grabbed my board and the cammy and headed down to the beach. a bit cold out but perfect in a couple hoodies and a toque. i love cold noses and rosy cheeks.

downtown. i'm not sure if that's frost or salt on the log... but i liked it anyway.
go west.

seaweed.

lookin east again.

pretending my lens is a macro. le sigh.

welcome to vancouver.

lost.

(does anyone remember the days when showing someone you cared about them was as simple as making a mixtape? now apparently diamonds are the equivalent of love. oh how things change and usually not for the better.)

edited to add: go check out gordie's blog. he added a couple skate photos from the summer at the big O. awesome.

ok so this made me smile...

again... killing time on le stalkbook... came across some funny pics i had forgotten about in our Donald family group...

my uncle jim sent these out a couple months ago... i should really ask him if he has anymore cause if you know either of them.. these are just hilarious.

oh.... the seventies.

jim... my dad's oldest brother.
my cousins and i are still speculating whether that is a hat or a pot...
sweet beard though...



and may i present to you... my father.
his first year of university... rockin some sweet glasses and studying for... anatomy? i hear there are some pretty good articles in there.
hahaha what a guy.



they are hands down my 2 favourite men on this planet. the stories they tell when they get together make me laugh until everything aches... growing up with 8 kids, my nana and of course... my grandfather... the Colonel. what a hoot.
lots of love gentlemen. lots of love.

killing time...

at work... quiet night so far... (knock on wood)

listening and watching...

searched "acoustic" on youtube...









and last but not least...



breaktime.

on becoming a woman...

if only i knew!

oh my! it's true!

absolutely right!

so much to aspire to!

oh yes.... most importantly...

jesus christ.

word up

im so sick of this bullshit.
i'm in a pissy mood.
so fuck you.

this and that...

this is going to be another super random again...

-bailed on my IV insertion class today mostly because a) i've been inserting IVs for the last 2 1/2 years b) my shoulder was really painful and c) i slept 2 hours yesterday and wanted to stay in bed.

-lame excuses i know but fuck it.

-got ditched by physio since finding out that my collarbone is broken... gotta wait until i see the orthopod... for fuck's sake. i'm not allowed to do any strengthening on my rotator cuff until then.

-got my hair cut....hmmmm... i had forgotten what i looked like with shorter hair... whatever.. it'll grow back.


-flipping through some old photos makes me miss:

-waking up early to the smell of coffee and looking out over a lake and watching the mist burn off with the rising sun. algonquin 2007. (dave: i'm so stoked to see you and the missus at christmas)

- late night skates up to nelson and osgoode for smoke, laughs and chatting about music. wakefield, qc. summer 2006. kinda miss this kid and his offside jokes (don't tell him i said that though)... he's currently shit disturbing somewhere in south korea.

-my woman love. red wine, martinis, cuddling on the couch. my moments of clarity and happiness in a chaotic and negative time. jaime's dancing in london, UK. emily's engineering in north bay (so excited to get back in the kitchen with you).

-ninz. toronto. ipod(rip). i miss smokin and giggling on your floor. when i get home... you, tasha and i are in need of some drinks and catch up.

-i start my regular rotation tomorrow... not so stoked about that but whatever... another day, another dollar.

-however... i am floored by this... the cinematography is INSANE.

family, broken bones and bloodsuckers

this is going to be pretty random... i'm going to sandwich the bad news with nice news and fun news. makes it a bit easier to swallow... for me anyway.

on my two days of this rotation i had a gentleman who fell 25-30 feet off of a roof... broke his neck, back, pelvis, and acetabulum. he ended up coding and had to be split open mid sternum to his pubic bone and mid axilla left to right. he quite a rough go at it to tell you the truth. when i got him he was two weeks post accident, agitated and thrashing around in the bed. my first shift was one helluva shitty day. he ended up being trached and was a lot calmer. without the ET tube in his mouth he could mouth words to his wife and communicate much better. by the end of the shift he was making silent jokes, both his wife and i laughing away. at one point near the end of the day he waved me over... took my hand and pointed at me, then his wife and then himself and mouthed the words "you, my wife and i... we family. we are FAMILY. " it was just another one of those things that reinforces to me that real family is subjective and not just tied to bloodlines. it exists in the heart and in the head. it's emotional, altruistic and non-judgemental.

speaking of family (biological this time), i spoke with my mommy for about an hour and a half yesterday. my mother is honestly an amazing woman... she always has the right thing to say and but never sugarcoats it. she has this awesome way of putting things into perspective... making shitty things not so shitty and reminds me that i'm strong, i'm capable and i'm adaptable. whatever life throws at me, i'll get through it. she understands me like few people do and believes in me when i lack the confidence to believe in myself. i'm honestly so so fortunate and proud to be her daughter. i'm super stoked to go home at christmas and give her tiny little frame a big fat hug and... then later...make jam. yum.

so now on to the shitty news... we'll not shitty for you... just shitty for me. i got the results of my xrays back. my shoulder is still slightly separated (which indicates that it was initially separated way worse than i was told) AND here's the kicker i have a FRACTURE on the lateral tip of my clavicle that hasn't healed in 6 months. so i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon in december to see if we can figure out what the shit is going on in there.

finally, last night i got a really cool patient assignment. this poor lady had to have a flap done on her groin after removing a tumour and having her femoral artery resected. the flap wasn't taking (IE dying) so in order to try and save it, we were doing leech therapy on it. so twice last night i had to apply 4-5 leeches on this groin flap, make sure they attach and wait until they gorge themselves enough to fall off. i was so stoked. everybody else was pretty much grossed out but i have done it before and i just loved it. i can't wait to do maggots. my job is so cool.

hahah yes... i'm gross.






i've also had this song in my head for days.

this wasn't what i had in mind...

i've never felt fear as i did today. waiting at the bus stop... rush hour... head down... kind of in my own little world processing the information that i had just received in my physio appointment when i looked up and there was a strange unkept man with his head pretty much on my shoulder very very close to my face. i jumped and apologized thinking i had maybe accidently bumped into him. as i moved away from him, he kept trying to talk to me, moving towards me as i backed away... saying things like "you look so pretty when you're scared". he looked like he was going to get on the bus so i was going to wait for the next one... but he watched me and waited as well. so i got on... and he followed me onto the bus and stood unneccessarily close to me while i sat, his elbow brushing the top of my hair. i've never felt fear and panic run through me like it did for the 6 minutes that it took us to get to granville. the hair on the back of my neck standing on end, the desparate need for escape. watching out of my peripheral vision... i saw him look at me and then get off. i don't know if i was just being paranoid or what... maybe it was all in my head... but i've never felt like that ever. fear that makes you sick to your stomach and almost cripples you.

the only other time i've felt that close to being threatened was 2 years ago... face to face with a 230 pound schizophrenic (admitted for chasing his mother around with "sharp objects") who was trying to kill himself by wrapping his gown around his neck in a tiny hospital bathroom. unpredictable and outweighing me by at least 100 pounds he could have easily reached out and crushed my windpipe. in this instance though... i had a job to do. fear pushed aside by adrenaline and a focus.

today... i've never felt so alone in the midst of so many people.
shit.

interesting... well.. not really.

i've been scribbling on bits of paper lately. happier than i've been in a while... keeping busy. getting back into my usual routine of physio and doctors appointments. finally got a proper set of xrays on friday. while waiting for my films to be processed some old man asked if he could get undressed in my changeroom. creep.

joint space looked ok but i usually only read chest xrays so who knows. being the dumbass i am i forgot to check my actual AC joint where my clavicle is crammed into my shoulder. oops. i'm sure i'll hear about it later.

getting the old neck assessed tomorrow... starting up top and working our way down. my neck muscles are so tight my clavicle and shoulder blade sit a few inches higher on the left side than the right. compensation for my extremely weak rotator cuff. so i'm gimpy and deformed. sweeeeet.

it was kind of funny... on my initial assessment, my physiotherapist asked me how i injured myself... blah blah blah... then asked me if i still longboard. i kind of giggled and told her i was back on the board the day after i did it, arm in a sling, stoned out of my tree on hydromorph with my sister screeching at me down the street. physio just shook her head and laughed. although i got a stern look when i told her i was going to snowboard this year.

in other news... i'd like to give a shout out to the delicious breakfast i had this morning at my favourite little cafe here in kits. 1/2 order of their flo-greek benedict. spinach piled high, feta cheese and the best hollandaise sauce i've ever had... and i don't even like hollandaise. big cup of peppermint tea (they actually have amazing coffee there too). tasty tasty tasty.

i'll write something meaningful tomorrow.

flip

so i suppose i haven't updated in a while... shit's been busy. quick breakdown:
*had a shitty week last week, a shitty combination of accumulating stress, lack of sleep and a touch of homesickness. spoke to my sis and the next day received a phone call from the parental unit. talked it out... felt better. changed some things. felt better. currently feeling...awesome.

*went out for a close friend's birthday tuesday night. ate my body weight in korean barbeque and brought these to the par-tay. (no i didn't make them, i wish)

*worked an overtime shift on a new unit yesterday... part of the emergency department. a unit known as MAU... the medical assessment unit... fondly known as MAUI in the actual emerg because it's a bit of a breeze. 3 patients, fast turnover... in and out, admit/discharge. i'd almost forgotten what it was like to have more than one patient, ones who walk and talk. just like riding a bike though. a lot of the time when i wasn't busy i felt like i should have been doing something (icu nurse syndrome) and when i was busy i was running off my feet. it was fun. i had good help from a couple of funny guys. made the day go by quickly. caught a ride home with ben, grabbed some beers, threw them into trusty rusty and headed over to brad and leanne's for dinner. and this is what we did:

*we made sushi handrolls!!! aren't they beautiful? mine's the inside out roll with the smoked salmon on the outside. such a fun night with drinks, funny smoke and a tasty meal we all had a hand in. haven't laughed that hard in a while.

*went to the beach today, taxed my roommate's mp3 player, sat, sipped a tea and scribbled some postcards to the ones i love. watched a couple taking pictures of each other with the sun behind them and thought of how disappointed they would be when they got home and saw only silhouettes. maybe that's what they were going for... who knows. anyway... missed my path on the way home and found a few of these. i guess sometimes when you get lost you find the most beautiful things.

i need a haircut.

autumn afternoon.

woke up this morning exhausted but based on the sunlight peeping through my window, i had to get outside. it kills me that on the days that i'm working, it's always beautiful outside and it pisses rain for all 5 days that i'm off. just my luck i suppose. grabbed my longboard and the nikon and took it to the streets. annnnnd by the streets i mean my quiet little kits neighbourhood. the only sound i hear is wheels on pavement. what an amazing afternoon. perfect temperature outside, just a waffle long sleeve and jeans. bright sun and a bit of a cold nose.

the thing i love about this city is that even though it's mid-october there are still flowers in full bloom. found these little beauties.

skated a little further and found a couple blocks of trees that had turned all red.

i turned around and the rest of the street was still green.

man, i love fall. apparently this weekend is supposed to be just as nice but this poor sucker is working nights today and tomorrow. ah well... i can sleep when i'm dead.

presentation is everything

flipping through some pictures this evening is making me miss this woman quite a bit. these are from a weekend that started off shitty and turned out wonderful. she surprised me by being in ottawa, went to le nordik to decompress in eucalyptus steam and ice cold waterfalls. then on a whim caught a ride to north bay with her and spent about 36 hours with her in the kitchen... creating, drinking, laughing. everything seems better in a warm kitchen with a good woman, a nice glass of wine, beautiful ingredients, a sharp knife and good conversation. the first night we made her parents dinner. fresh thai spring rolls (with homemade peanut sauce) and mushroom bruschetta.

*her parents were amazed at my little balsamic reduction pinwheels on the plate. oh the cheesy little tricks you learn from busting your ass waitressing/catering.

*the second day we made a thai green curry from scratch. this was the beginnings of it.

*while she was frying tofu, i was busy with this little baby. rosemary foccacia with chunks of smoked gouda inside cause i'm sneaky like that.

*sneaky melty goodness

*if it's raining tomorrow i might make another loaf of that foccacia. it feels pretty damn good using your hands to create and of course knead the shit out of that dough. ha.

*on another note... i'm starting to forget what your hands feel like on my skin. it makes me sad.