this wasn't what i had in mind...

i've never felt fear as i did today. waiting at the bus stop... rush hour... head down... kind of in my own little world processing the information that i had just received in my physio appointment when i looked up and there was a strange unkept man with his head pretty much on my shoulder very very close to my face. i jumped and apologized thinking i had maybe accidently bumped into him. as i moved away from him, he kept trying to talk to me, moving towards me as i backed away... saying things like "you look so pretty when you're scared". he looked like he was going to get on the bus so i was going to wait for the next one... but he watched me and waited as well. so i got on... and he followed me onto the bus and stood unneccessarily close to me while i sat, his elbow brushing the top of my hair. i've never felt fear and panic run through me like it did for the 6 minutes that it took us to get to granville. the hair on the back of my neck standing on end, the desparate need for escape. watching out of my peripheral vision... i saw him look at me and then get off. i don't know if i was just being paranoid or what... maybe it was all in my head... but i've never felt like that ever. fear that makes you sick to your stomach and almost cripples you.

the only other time i've felt that close to being threatened was 2 years ago... face to face with a 230 pound schizophrenic (admitted for chasing his mother around with "sharp objects") who was trying to kill himself by wrapping his gown around his neck in a tiny hospital bathroom. unpredictable and outweighing me by at least 100 pounds he could have easily reached out and crushed my windpipe. in this instance though... i had a job to do. fear pushed aside by adrenaline and a focus.

today... i've never felt so alone in the midst of so many people.
shit.