fear vs frustration vs pms

another week goes by mostly unnoticed... working... running around...overtime.. aching... trying not to worry about what feels like impending doom. one man deciding my fate... sounds dramatic doesn't it? i did some lit searches at work last weekend querying distal third clavicle fractures and treatment and subsequently scared myself shitless. apparently they're high risk for non-union (IE not healing) and are usually fixed with surgery (screws, pins, k-wires). chatted briefly with an ortho resident who's doing his ICU rotation right now and he says its probably just my rotator cuff... (even though i told him that a) i can feel bone grinding and b) my family doc and 2 different physiotherapists have told me my rotator cuff is just weak.. not torn)(idiot). i'm probably going to need an MRI which means more useless waiting.

i hate this. i hate having to ask for help... i hate explaining why i need help... i hate relying on people especially since i was so self-sufficient before. i hate that just walking around with my purse (which is small and not heavy) makes my shoulder scream.

i'm at this point where i feel like i'm losing something that i never really had a good grip on to begin with. it sucks. clearly i don't do well with ambiguity when it comes to certain things. i want to know why and i need specifics.

i keep waking up with the overwhelming need to flee... unsure if its the wanderlust that burns through my veins or the empty space filled with thought and worry. unfortunately escape is not an option... avoidance and distraction provides little relief. i need answers and soon. fast and efficient that's how i get shit done and frustratingly enough this situation couldn't be more of the opposite. waiting... and waiting... it seems that all i ever do is wait. i'm fucking sick of it.

the countdowns are on:
orthopedic surgeon -17 days
home - 25 days.

edited to add:
i had forgotten i put this song on le petit ipod. probably my favourite lauryn hill song.

love/hate

i know i'm a bit of a skeptic when it comes to love, however i do enjoy a good love story. typical jess and dizzle dinner and a movie night... eatery take out and a few flicks. tonight's showing featured moulin rouge and breakfast at tiffany's which i had never seen before... (ya ya.. i've never seen the breakfast club either... what are you gonna do?). it seems that most good movies about love always culminate in that one passionate kiss in the rain. this one was no exception.



did i just kill the ending for you? good, cause i'm going to kill this one too. hahahahahaha.



i'm gonna go barf now.

whats with today.... today?

sun was shining today... grabbed my board and the cammy and headed down to the beach. a bit cold out but perfect in a couple hoodies and a toque. i love cold noses and rosy cheeks.

downtown. i'm not sure if that's frost or salt on the log... but i liked it anyway.
go west.

seaweed.

lookin east again.

pretending my lens is a macro. le sigh.

welcome to vancouver.

lost.

(does anyone remember the days when showing someone you cared about them was as simple as making a mixtape? now apparently diamonds are the equivalent of love. oh how things change and usually not for the better.)

edited to add: go check out gordie's blog. he added a couple skate photos from the summer at the big O. awesome.

ok so this made me smile...

again... killing time on le stalkbook... came across some funny pics i had forgotten about in our Donald family group...

my uncle jim sent these out a couple months ago... i should really ask him if he has anymore cause if you know either of them.. these are just hilarious.

oh.... the seventies.

jim... my dad's oldest brother.
my cousins and i are still speculating whether that is a hat or a pot...
sweet beard though...



and may i present to you... my father.
his first year of university... rockin some sweet glasses and studying for... anatomy? i hear there are some pretty good articles in there.
hahaha what a guy.



they are hands down my 2 favourite men on this planet. the stories they tell when they get together make me laugh until everything aches... growing up with 8 kids, my nana and of course... my grandfather... the Colonel. what a hoot.
lots of love gentlemen. lots of love.

killing time...

at work... quiet night so far... (knock on wood)

listening and watching...

searched "acoustic" on youtube...









and last but not least...



breaktime.

on becoming a woman...

if only i knew!

oh my! it's true!

absolutely right!

so much to aspire to!

oh yes.... most importantly...

jesus christ.

word up

im so sick of this bullshit.
i'm in a pissy mood.
so fuck you.

this and that...

this is going to be another super random again...

-bailed on my IV insertion class today mostly because a) i've been inserting IVs for the last 2 1/2 years b) my shoulder was really painful and c) i slept 2 hours yesterday and wanted to stay in bed.

-lame excuses i know but fuck it.

-got ditched by physio since finding out that my collarbone is broken... gotta wait until i see the orthopod... for fuck's sake. i'm not allowed to do any strengthening on my rotator cuff until then.

-got my hair cut....hmmmm... i had forgotten what i looked like with shorter hair... whatever.. it'll grow back.


-flipping through some old photos makes me miss:

-waking up early to the smell of coffee and looking out over a lake and watching the mist burn off with the rising sun. algonquin 2007. (dave: i'm so stoked to see you and the missus at christmas)

- late night skates up to nelson and osgoode for smoke, laughs and chatting about music. wakefield, qc. summer 2006. kinda miss this kid and his offside jokes (don't tell him i said that though)... he's currently shit disturbing somewhere in south korea.

-my woman love. red wine, martinis, cuddling on the couch. my moments of clarity and happiness in a chaotic and negative time. jaime's dancing in london, UK. emily's engineering in north bay (so excited to get back in the kitchen with you).

-ninz. toronto. ipod(rip). i miss smokin and giggling on your floor. when i get home... you, tasha and i are in need of some drinks and catch up.

-i start my regular rotation tomorrow... not so stoked about that but whatever... another day, another dollar.

-however... i am floored by this... the cinematography is INSANE.

family, broken bones and bloodsuckers

this is going to be pretty random... i'm going to sandwich the bad news with nice news and fun news. makes it a bit easier to swallow... for me anyway.

on my two days of this rotation i had a gentleman who fell 25-30 feet off of a roof... broke his neck, back, pelvis, and acetabulum. he ended up coding and had to be split open mid sternum to his pubic bone and mid axilla left to right. he quite a rough go at it to tell you the truth. when i got him he was two weeks post accident, agitated and thrashing around in the bed. my first shift was one helluva shitty day. he ended up being trached and was a lot calmer. without the ET tube in his mouth he could mouth words to his wife and communicate much better. by the end of the shift he was making silent jokes, both his wife and i laughing away. at one point near the end of the day he waved me over... took my hand and pointed at me, then his wife and then himself and mouthed the words "you, my wife and i... we family. we are FAMILY. " it was just another one of those things that reinforces to me that real family is subjective and not just tied to bloodlines. it exists in the heart and in the head. it's emotional, altruistic and non-judgemental.

speaking of family (biological this time), i spoke with my mommy for about an hour and a half yesterday. my mother is honestly an amazing woman... she always has the right thing to say and but never sugarcoats it. she has this awesome way of putting things into perspective... making shitty things not so shitty and reminds me that i'm strong, i'm capable and i'm adaptable. whatever life throws at me, i'll get through it. she understands me like few people do and believes in me when i lack the confidence to believe in myself. i'm honestly so so fortunate and proud to be her daughter. i'm super stoked to go home at christmas and give her tiny little frame a big fat hug and... then later...make jam. yum.

so now on to the shitty news... we'll not shitty for you... just shitty for me. i got the results of my xrays back. my shoulder is still slightly separated (which indicates that it was initially separated way worse than i was told) AND here's the kicker i have a FRACTURE on the lateral tip of my clavicle that hasn't healed in 6 months. so i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon in december to see if we can figure out what the shit is going on in there.

finally, last night i got a really cool patient assignment. this poor lady had to have a flap done on her groin after removing a tumour and having her femoral artery resected. the flap wasn't taking (IE dying) so in order to try and save it, we were doing leech therapy on it. so twice last night i had to apply 4-5 leeches on this groin flap, make sure they attach and wait until they gorge themselves enough to fall off. i was so stoked. everybody else was pretty much grossed out but i have done it before and i just loved it. i can't wait to do maggots. my job is so cool.

hahah yes... i'm gross.






i've also had this song in my head for days.

this wasn't what i had in mind...

i've never felt fear as i did today. waiting at the bus stop... rush hour... head down... kind of in my own little world processing the information that i had just received in my physio appointment when i looked up and there was a strange unkept man with his head pretty much on my shoulder very very close to my face. i jumped and apologized thinking i had maybe accidently bumped into him. as i moved away from him, he kept trying to talk to me, moving towards me as i backed away... saying things like "you look so pretty when you're scared". he looked like he was going to get on the bus so i was going to wait for the next one... but he watched me and waited as well. so i got on... and he followed me onto the bus and stood unneccessarily close to me while i sat, his elbow brushing the top of my hair. i've never felt fear and panic run through me like it did for the 6 minutes that it took us to get to granville. the hair on the back of my neck standing on end, the desparate need for escape. watching out of my peripheral vision... i saw him look at me and then get off. i don't know if i was just being paranoid or what... maybe it was all in my head... but i've never felt like that ever. fear that makes you sick to your stomach and almost cripples you.

the only other time i've felt that close to being threatened was 2 years ago... face to face with a 230 pound schizophrenic (admitted for chasing his mother around with "sharp objects") who was trying to kill himself by wrapping his gown around his neck in a tiny hospital bathroom. unpredictable and outweighing me by at least 100 pounds he could have easily reached out and crushed my windpipe. in this instance though... i had a job to do. fear pushed aside by adrenaline and a focus.

today... i've never felt so alone in the midst of so many people.
shit.

interesting... well.. not really.

i've been scribbling on bits of paper lately. happier than i've been in a while... keeping busy. getting back into my usual routine of physio and doctors appointments. finally got a proper set of xrays on friday. while waiting for my films to be processed some old man asked if he could get undressed in my changeroom. creep.

joint space looked ok but i usually only read chest xrays so who knows. being the dumbass i am i forgot to check my actual AC joint where my clavicle is crammed into my shoulder. oops. i'm sure i'll hear about it later.

getting the old neck assessed tomorrow... starting up top and working our way down. my neck muscles are so tight my clavicle and shoulder blade sit a few inches higher on the left side than the right. compensation for my extremely weak rotator cuff. so i'm gimpy and deformed. sweeeeet.

it was kind of funny... on my initial assessment, my physiotherapist asked me how i injured myself... blah blah blah... then asked me if i still longboard. i kind of giggled and told her i was back on the board the day after i did it, arm in a sling, stoned out of my tree on hydromorph with my sister screeching at me down the street. physio just shook her head and laughed. although i got a stern look when i told her i was going to snowboard this year.

in other news... i'd like to give a shout out to the delicious breakfast i had this morning at my favourite little cafe here in kits. 1/2 order of their flo-greek benedict. spinach piled high, feta cheese and the best hollandaise sauce i've ever had... and i don't even like hollandaise. big cup of peppermint tea (they actually have amazing coffee there too). tasty tasty tasty.

i'll write something meaningful tomorrow.