A Year in Review

Another birthday goes by...
Questions that came up...
How do you feel?
Do you feel any older?
Do you feel any wiser?


To tell you the truth I feel amazing. There's a lot of really wonderful things going on in my life right now and I think as I get older I can approach and appreciate these things completely and without some of the distractions of my youth. So far (hahaha knock on wood)... life seems to get better with age... sure I notice a few more wrinkles... my hips and feet ache more frequently... hangovers last a little longer... but I like the experience that comes with this journey I'm on. Of course there are the ups and downs but I'm hoping that I'm a little bit more level headed about decisions and reactions. I also feel that as I get older the more I crave simplicity in my everyday life. It's all about the little things in life... all those little bits that make up the big picture for me...

I did a lot of things for the first time this year... a lot of things that terrified me...

A little recap perhaps?

*got on stage at a strip club for the first time
*made some new friends
*got stoned with some co-workers
*rode on the back of a motorcycle for the first time
*lived on my own for the first time
*kissed a boy with a girlfriend
*stood up for 2 of my closest friends
*applied for a more challenging job and got it
*moved across the country to a city I had never been to
*drove across Canada with a girl I met the night before
*fell in love
*waited for a man worth waiting for (yes you ding dong)
*learned how to be ok eating by myself at a restaurant
*took out one of my oldest piercings and 3 others
*applied for another job that terrifies me [haven't heard anything yet.. :( ]
*a few other things that i can't tell you about but they were fun... trust me... hahahahahahah

I'm very proud of myself for doing quite a few things that scared me this year. I also like that I think with this "aging" business I'm becoming more honest with myself when I need something to change. Acknowledging it is half the battle... the rest is growing the balls to follow through and accepting the consequences of that.

Yadda yadda yadda...
Anyway... I read this book close to 15 years ago.. lent my copy of it to someone and never got it back. So yesterday when we were in the used bookstore... I was stoked to find a copy of it for $1.87. It's called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. I think he's a pastor or preacher of some sort but his "credo" is solid and I wanted to share it.

"All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together."



Fingers crossed for another wonderful and healthy year. It's started off pretty good so far.
xo




not too bad for 26 eh?
;)

filler

i was going to write a little blurb about my upcoming birthday... about how far i've come in the last year... the changes in my life and the direction my life has taken in 365 days...

but maybe i'll write about it tomorrow..

i'm too busy missing someone.

silence is golden...

Months ago...


Rhythmic footsteps flow seamlessly from a brain on autopilot. I'm glad they know which way is home. I realized today one of the reasons why there's so much static in my head. After being away from the bedside for almost 4 weeks, I became very aware of the hum of the electrical equipment - vents, pumps, monitors, suction... all with their own distinct frequency. All that combined with the puff of mechanical breaths, vent alarms, monitor alarms, infusing intravenous, clicks of the feeding pumps... all melting into an incredible white noise that will always remain.

Today on my journey home I had a beautiful moment of stillness. Silent and completely devoid of that electric hum that permeates my brain. It was on the bus... the perfect time in the morning where no one talks... where there's this unspoken rule to maintain an absence of conversation. It came as a surprise but it was deafening when it did. It felt like what I'd imagine terminal velocity to feel like. Sudden... but time stops: no sound, no movement, nothing. Eyes closed... savouring that single instant. It takes your breath away. And just as suddenly as it happened... the bus jerked back into gear and jerked me back to reality. Killing that second of perfect and utter silence that was audible and tangible. Profound and serene.


Days ago...

SItting on a cool rock in the warm sun... overlooking the sailboats in English Bay.. with only the company of a couple grey herons; a tall can of beer and the occasional straggler wandering off the beaten path. There's something very settling about the quiet lapping of the waves... pulling the tide out uncovering hidden treasures for the casual grazers. Tiny crabs and shells, bits of seaweed; glass with edges smoothed by the sea... nature's little gifts for those who wander with their eyes to the ground searching for something extraordinary. Gentle whispers from people further down the beach... infrequent barks from dogs playing in the water trying to cool off. There's no white noise out here... no electrical hum that endlessly fills my head. Only a light breeze coming off the ocean to break up the heat and toss my hair. My grey heron takes off on soundless wings... I guess its time to go.

it's times like these...

last night i:

-helped a 22 year old girl die
-hugged her parents after she passed and all i could say was "i'm so sorry"
-watched another nurse extract her eyes for possible cornea donation
-had my name written down in an RCMP's little black investigation book
-wrapped her bruised and broken body in a bag and zipped it up over her mangled and swollen face
-admitted a 74 year old man who was filming something while riding his motorcycle in vegas
-changed multiple manky road rash dressings
-tried to get 12 hours of work done in 3

i feel like i've been standing for weeks... sitting feels like a foreign movement to me... something so simple is awkward and flailing. it just doesn't feel right... but my legs and feet are numb... when i wake up they will be stiff and sore... feet so tender that i can barely walk but lucky for me i get to do 12 hours all over again tonight.

all that mattered to me this morning was the sun on my face and the cool breeze on my skin. it was the best feeling after a night like that. sunglasses covering the bags that look like black eyes. meandering home absently on autopilot... legs doing what my brain had short circuited out on about 3 hours ago.

now i'm home.. in bed.
drifting...

small victories

apologies for not posting lately... i was at a point where i didn't have much to say but now that has changed. my mind has been a whirlwind the last few days... chaotic and racing. so much to say but words fail me... or else i stumble and trip over them like an infant learning to walk. my inadequate vocabulary abandons... leaving me useless words to try to convey how i feel and what i mean. i'm a bit of a clusterfuck or... hahahah a hiroshima nuclear bomb as SOMEONE described me... but i'll try.

i read somewhere once that the difference between men and women is simple. men think in straight lines... women.. in curves and circles. and you know... i feel that it accurately describes the layout of my brain.... its like one of those circular labyrinths that circles around and around... random dead ends... open doorways... trap doors... twisty paths until you get to the core. overwhelmed with input.. it spirals... gets lost... gets compartmentalized...gets saved and downloaded or discarded and deleted. i've felt alot like that lately... spinning and spinning until i'm dizzy but when i open my eyes things are even and calm.

it was really hard coming back from toronto this time. it seems to get harder every time. fortunately, i had the opportunity to spend 4 incredible days with the person that i want to be with the most. hanging out and just... being together. it still amazes me how easy it feels to be with him... how honest and open and relaxed it is. how i consistently have this stupid grin on my face.

when i got back to vancouver... all of this terrified me. tiny words with very big meanings crept in and threw a stick in my spokes... at first i tried to avoid it by not verbalizing it. internalizing and trying to keep it separate from everything... that old back up plan of self-preservation. saying it was like admitting guilt of some sort... but it's funny because for the first time in my life i don't feel guilty. i don't feel like i've done something wrong. its quite the contrary actually.... it feels very right. and like i said... it terrifies me but after taking a big deep breath i'm strangely ok with it. the storms have settled for now and calm seas are prevailing...(but it never hurts to be prepared for some unexpected bumps along the way... keeps life interesting)

"small words of encouragement,
small hours of the night,
small wonder you feed my discipline,
feed my 20, 000 reasons to fight...

small change in your pocket,
the small victory songs,
the small steps in the right direction
make more sense than a thousand big ones in the wrong..."