fear vs frustration vs pms

another week goes by mostly unnoticed... working... running around...overtime.. aching... trying not to worry about what feels like impending doom. one man deciding my fate... sounds dramatic doesn't it? i did some lit searches at work last weekend querying distal third clavicle fractures and treatment and subsequently scared myself shitless. apparently they're high risk for non-union (IE not healing) and are usually fixed with surgery (screws, pins, k-wires). chatted briefly with an ortho resident who's doing his ICU rotation right now and he says its probably just my rotator cuff... (even though i told him that a) i can feel bone grinding and b) my family doc and 2 different physiotherapists have told me my rotator cuff is just weak.. not torn)(idiot). i'm probably going to need an MRI which means more useless waiting.

i hate this. i hate having to ask for help... i hate explaining why i need help... i hate relying on people especially since i was so self-sufficient before. i hate that just walking around with my purse (which is small and not heavy) makes my shoulder scream.

i'm at this point where i feel like i'm losing something that i never really had a good grip on to begin with. it sucks. clearly i don't do well with ambiguity when it comes to certain things. i want to know why and i need specifics.

i keep waking up with the overwhelming need to flee... unsure if its the wanderlust that burns through my veins or the empty space filled with thought and worry. unfortunately escape is not an option... avoidance and distraction provides little relief. i need answers and soon. fast and efficient that's how i get shit done and frustratingly enough this situation couldn't be more of the opposite. waiting... and waiting... it seems that all i ever do is wait. i'm fucking sick of it.

the countdowns are on:
orthopedic surgeon -17 days
home - 25 days.

edited to add:
i had forgotten i put this song on le petit ipod. probably my favourite lauryn hill song.