a throwback

I just wanted to share one of the greatest compliments I've received as a nurse. On friday when I was bathing my patient he asked me if my mother was from the old school. I kind of looked at him and replied "well my mother wasn't a nurse if that's what you mean".

"No no," he says, "It seems that she did right by you."

I looked at him a bit confused but told him that I was fortunate enough to come from a really great family. Had a really wonderful upbringing from good hardworking parents. "I know," he says to me, "it shows in the way you take care of your patients. You're old school."

Very cool. I should tell my parents that the next time I talk to them.

i know the feeling, know you're leaving.

cold pasta might be the second best thing for a hungover tummy. kinda nostalgic this morning after waking up feeling like shit from (ok well... beer and) another psychological head trip nightmare. a questioning crossroads of relationships old and new. questions muddling my already aching head.

sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching dazed and confused and cleaning out emails from more than 2 years ago. reminiscing on old friends, lovers, adventures. purging loves gained and loves lost. spoke with one of those friends this afternoon, had some good laughs and good memories. may mornings in montreal, cafe joes, cnn and movies. feels like a million years ago.

anyway... found this which is my friend chanel's favourite poem. i love the beauty of the words and imagery. its tangible and sensual. this author also wrote one of my favourite books called... In the Skin of a Lion. it is also very beautifully written and the love in it is visceral. read it if you get a chance... it takes place in toronto in the 20s and 30s. made me fall in love with a city that lived in for 2 summers.

THE CINNAMON PEELER
by Michael Ondaatje

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
-- your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.
And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.

and knew

what good is it to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.

guilty of this...

edit.
so ya... i really shouldn't be let near a computer while intoxicated mostly because apparently i think it's a great idea to post nonsensical garbage in forums that require damage control in the morning.

finally met a friend of a friend and she was positively wonderful. super fun girl... loves to laugh and extremely beautiful in real life even if she was hung over as balls.

quick breakdown of the night:
boysnightout.. good set
DRY VENUE.... worst ever
drinks at the morrissey
sitting at the end of the bar
thermostat - aloha
fireball shots with the gentlemen (ok they're DEFINITELY not gentlemen)
mouthing off costa on the walk to the car
birthdays
funny rides home

nice.xo

weak.

i think i've mentioned this before but... i'm usually amazed at the nurses that i meet. went out again with a the brit couple that joined our crew. pints, glasses of wine and bellinis. it honestly amazes me the personalities, values and beliefs that nurses encompass. the experiences, the stories, the compassion, the fiery deference that stiffens the spine. people wonder what we do... the only way i can describe it is partially nursing, partially medicinal, partially social worker, physiotherapist, occupational therapist or respiratory therapist. the job i get paid for encompasses 10 different professions yet i get paid for one. HOWEVER.. i love what i do and the options that my profession provides... travel, education and experience.
i love listening to the words that come out of my colleagues... their stories, their experiences, their reflections on what nursing is and what it means to them. ultimately i think there's a big femenist component that we need to embrace and start eliminating the cattiness aspect however being a female dominiated profession... how the fuck are we going to do that. the competition between women is so different than the competition between men. men will beat the shit out of each other and be done with it. women... on the other hand... hold grudges, keep secrets, fake companionship and ensure retribution. we are the ultimate in manipulation and mind games.

i hate it. i hate the fact that women are socialized to be babymakers, mothers, wives, stereotypical role models. not that i don't mind these roles but the fact they feel forced upon me vs choosing them is very non-conducive to my progression towards the expected. in reality it makes me avoid what's expected of me and I kind of like it. not that i've ever really felt conventional or conformist but somedays reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

ridiculous.

some of the note's i've received from friends.... "fuck vancouver. come back here.......asshole. i love you. "

purple rain

preemptive apologies because this is going to be a bitchfest. straight up this monday to friday 8-4 shit is killing me. i don't know how the vast majority of the population handles this. structured days, structured breaks, structured time. boring people talking about boring things. i feel a little insane at the moment because sitting in a windowless room... at a table... staring at a screen... being talked at for 8 hours of the day...makes me want to stick sharp objects in my eye. leg shaking.. foot tapping... constant shifting in my seat... brow furrowed... these are my signs and symptoms of restlessness. i practically sprinted out of the unit today because i couldn't wait to get out.

and it's only wednesday.

good news though.. i have a date with a good lookin woman on sunday evening to the boys night out show. jealous? you should be.

not much to say...

my nightmares are increasing with psychological intensity with each passing night. exhausted but afraid to sleep.

i can't wait for the weekend.

que sera sera...

i've been wrestling with some insecurities lately (just lately?!?! seems like i have my entire life but anyway..). sorted a few things out and my mind is quiet... for now. reflected back on a hard lesson i learned during a psych placement in school. change the way you think, you'll change the way you feel. after being emotionally torn apart in front of 5 of my fellow students, i was humiliated and furious. but after all the personal bullshit i dealt with, i thought about it and put it into practice. as a result i really feel that a lot of my own personal growth in the last few years has come out of that change. for 3 1/2 years i was really unhappy with myself and my situation (dodged a bullet on that one... hahaha thanks em). so i changed the way i saw and thought about things and subsequently felt better about myself and started taking responsibility for my own happiness. it was really fucking hard to break those habits but usually the most difficult things are worth doing the most.

back to my original point... with all this moving business, starting a new job etc... i've lost sight of stepping back, taking a big breath and thinking about things rationally. i hate being a woman sometimes... all those hormones floating around clouding your judgement... hahaha.. i kid i kid.
it's all about taking responsibility for yourself... no excuses. no one to blame but yourself.

on another note, i found a bunch of pictures of when ben visited us in ottawa around christmas last year... a night i remember so vividly. quite a few people i love were in the same shitty bar... lots of drinks, shots and a helluva lot of laughs. christine caught me in a typical jess pose... big laugh and a crooked smile.

in the process of reading the newspaper, i just came across this little comment in an article discussing the contreversy of giving this new HPV vaccine to free to girls in grades 6-8.

"At the Chatham Christian School in Ontario, head administrator Hilda Roukema says the parent board will make the final decision, but she plans to recommend against it. The school teaches abstinence, and saving sex for marriage. “We don't want to encourage our Grade 8 students to be sexually active,” she says. “My hunch is that we're going to say we're not going to do it.”
This attitude frustrates Marg Johnston, a mother in Kitchener whose 13-year-old daughter, Sydney, received the vaccine at school last week. She and her husband will pay out of their own pockets for her 15-year-old daughter, a Grade 10 student, to get the needle.
“Don't bury your head in the sand,” Ms. Johnston says. “At some point they are going to be sexually active. Even if your daughter is a virgin on her wedding night, what about her partner?”

ZING.


in other news... i've been having nightmares again, not just one a night but a bunch. after waking up from one... i fall back into another. after weeks of not having any dreams (that i remember), i've cycled into this. i'd kinda like to know why.

anyyyyway...

woke up this morning with a hangover and tingling in my left hand. the prior a result of my own fault, the latter as a result from my shitty shoulder. wicked. i actually had a really good time yesterday. did some "team bonding" with the group i'm orienting with. we drank from 1230 in the afternoon until about 930 when i left cause i NEEDED to go home. thankfully the brit couple were walking my way. i found out that i'm really fortunate to be with this group. they're supportive, intelligent, funny and like most nurses... love to party. i love the fact that each individual nurse comes from a different unique background of jobs and learning experiences and specialities. the stories that get tossed around a table are insane. to the outside ear, we must sound rude and disrespectful and disgusting. we speak in a language that most lay people can't comprehend, tell the grossest stories involving every body fluid or cavity known to man and some animals, deal with some of the best people we'll ever meet and most of the worst. we've been punched and kicked and choked and verbally abused... saved lives and helped end others and we've all lived to tell about it and ultimately laugh about it. thats how we care and how we cope.

hahaha.. i love it.

right now... i've got a twitch in my thumb and an empty tummy. this girl needs some protein and some serious electrolytes.

also.. its at least 15 degrees outside WHY THE FUCK IS THE HEAT ON????

sink or swim

this is going to be quick because my eyes are burning and i'm exhausted. this monday to friday eight to four shit is killing me. honestly i don't think i'm the type. i love my 12 hour shifts and weekdays off. i don't mind being in a classroom and learning about shit i want to learn about but this overstimulus/understimulus stuff has got to go. i'm overwhelmed by the amount of paper that this hospital wastes. for a city that seems to be a little more environmentally concerned... this is ridiculous... 6 pages of admission orders??? 6 pages of nursing flowsheets/documentation???? 6 page MARS???? is this for real?? apparently it is. but i guess that's part of the adventure right? i'm a little hesistant to completely change the way i think and do my job but i'm going to have to. also the group i'm orienting with is pretty good. a couple brits and aussies and a newish grad from niagara falls. after our shitty computer class tomorrow we're all going to a pub to get licked. we feel that we deserve it. a whole week of tearing down a lot of ingrained practices and procedures. its a real kick in the face... confidence wise.

anyway.. enough bitching for now... i am enjoying the anatomy and pathology and pathophysiology review. gonna curl up in a few minutes to finish my chapter on the electrophysiology of the heart and all the arrhythmias that go along with it. shit like this always reminds me of how amazing the human body is and how much in awe of it i am. how its evolved into this incredible machine that regulates and repairs itself... has protective mechanisms in place.... compensations for failure or invasion... and how fragile yet resiliant we are. seriously... it blows me away.

i really need to close my eyes. for real.

(i think these are two of the most beautiful parts of the cardiovascular system... yes. i am a dork.)

(but it's those little things that count the most)

fluff your pillow?

just a few housekeeping items today...



A) my friend Jacey just got a job at the Safe Injection Site (SIS) here in vancouver. despite what you're probably thinking (giving free needles to IV drug users?) this place is an amazing addition to the community of downtown east van. do me and these people a favour and suspend your judgement for 10 minutes... poke through this website http://www.communityinsite.ca/index.html and do a little reading (there's 21 PUBLISHED educational papers supporting this endevour). honestly, it's an incredible support for harm reduction (decreasing the spread of HIV/HEP C), decreasing overdoses, infections and increasing this populations exposure to the health care system, detox and withdrawl programs. it might seem like backwards thinking but it's not. there has been a significant improvement in the health and safety in the area since INSITE opened in 2003. the federal government is to review whether or not they will continue funding this operation. click on the little "show your support button", find the letter to the PM, type in your little emaily address and hit send. it's conservative assholes like our current government who thinks harm reduction programs are a load of bunk. take that jerkass mayor of ottawa eliminating the crack pipe program... saying it encourages and enables people to smoke crack. apparently they don't realize that people will smoke crack regardless... we might as well encourage them to do it cleanly and safely. pulling the clean kits off the street isn't going to eliminate your crack problem ottawa... you fuckin idiots. it's like the pope's messed up thinking that providing african women with condoms to protect themselves vs HIV is going to encourage them to have more promiscuous sex. same thing applies here in vancouver. the fact of the matter remains PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ENGAGE IN RISK TAKING BEHAVIOUR regardless if they have clean paraphenalia, condoms... whatever or not. at least we can provide education and basic clean apparatus under the supervision of qualified nurses and doctors. how about we prevent some of those wounds and abcesses that require heaving packing and hardcore antibiotic treatment which costs the health care system a helluva lot more than a fucking one cc syringe. or overdoses requiring a $15000 a day ICU stay... sorry... i feel really strongly about this and for the nurses who do such an amazing job with street nursing and dealing with addictions and mental health. ("i saw someone shoot up in her jugular today"... kudos ladies and gents. kudos.



B) this is my friend gordie. (i didn't take this pic unfortunately) if you're in the montreal area between september 19th and 25th. hit up galerie espace and check out his photography show. he has an amazing way of looking at the world and it's truly reflected in his art. so go see it or look at a few of his pics on his website over there in the check it corner. he hinted the other day that a photo of me might be in this show however i can only recall him photographing me once and he was in the pic as well.



love this pic of his.

C) a few pics from johnston canyon in banff. i finally replaced my lens cap that got swallowed by this little beauty of a crevice. more later when i'm not lazy.

silhouette

had another wonderful day today... breakfast, beach, beers and bbq. sunday afternoons don't get much better than that. made some new friends and had some good laughs. although i was reminded about why eye contact makes me nervous. to tell you the truth lately i haven't really been having any issues with it. a bit of steel in my spine and an open mind has pretty much eliminated that (hahaha) other social anxiety. however, someone today threw me for a bit of a loop. quiet and always watching... made me feel vulnerable and unsettled. reminded me of something i wrote way back in december. i don't feel like reiterating or recycling... so i'll just cut and paste. lazy yes, but it encompasses how i felt then and again today.

dec21/2006.

living souls have been haunting me lately and it makes me uneasy.

eyes clearer than the carribean and as vacant as the skies...
eyes that speak and hear and know everything that i'm feeling...
eyes that keep my shameful secrets behind them...
eyes that promise to see right through me...

Your eyes followed me here...
the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen open when i call his name and follow me around the room. eyes that can only tear and grimace from broken ribs. the nasty reminder of cpr. a seventeen year old boy who felt that his only option was to suffocate himself in a car full of carbon monoxide. there are only two occasions at work where i've almost come undone. this was one of them.

Your eyes sifting my soul...
up until recently i don't think i've ever met anyone who can look at me, know exactly what i'm feeling and what i want to say and then respond without saying anything. eyes darker than sin and even more forbidden. eyes that i want to lose myself in but never ever can.

Your eyes seemless and sure...
eyes that know too much about the bad things i've done. confident and knowing with best intentions to love and protect me as one of his own. he hides my secrets so well i almost forget about them until that all too familiar shame and guilt fill me till i want to explode. he's never judged me and for that i am grateful.

Your eyes... slit the throat of all i know about myself in this life...
eyes that burn so deep and cut right through me. if i look at them head on, i know you'll see i'm full of shit. until i'm ready to bare my soul, for now all you'll get is dodgy eyes and fleeting smiles. you've made me realize how much of a coward i really am.

ghosts of the living.
sweetheart, eyes like yours are dangerous.

reunion...

i went over to my friends chris and katie's place last night. despite my social anxiety and general awkwardness i had a really great time. and just to reinforce the small world principle the first two girls who jace introduced me to were girls i had played basketball with in elementary school. "these are my friends!" she says. hilarious.

fuelled by red wine i met and chatted with some interesting people, all with an interesting story of how and why they're here in vancouver. it seems most people are transplants from all over the country/world. some for school, some for work and some to just be.

caught a cab home at 3am and stumbled into my apartment giggling at the idea of sneaking into bed without waking the girl in bed. which i did... unsuccessfully.

went skating for the first time in this city with chris today. i'm pretty much in love with smooth pavement, gradual hills and cruisin... to the beach. caught up with my friend who i haven't seen in years, amazed at how much he's changed and who he's become. insight of the best kind. we talked at great length about life and love and change. chasing our mutual hangovers with the hair of the dog.... but honestly who can say no to a) $4 pints and b) a cute bartender who accidently brings another pint and tells you she'll pay for it if we drink it. ummm... ok. deal.

kinda glad we're staying in tonight with great mugs of tea, a movie and my big comfy bed.

(still covered in flecks of paint)

been writing a lot lately. turning to it again as a form of therapy. a non-judgemental place to shout, scream, whisper without any ears. sometimes its a warm place and sometimes its lonely and desolate but always there and consistant. and these days where the only constant is change it's welcomed.

i received a comment on the stalkbook today that said "you haven't seen me in years jess, things change". my heart almost broke in half. on the surface.. ya.. this is a given. things change, but the fact that i hadn't seen this person in years isn't. i used to see this person almost everyday. him and a dozen other people who i miss dearly and again.. haven't seen in years. i worked at a music store in shitty brantford on and off for about 4 years. a job that was a weird hybrid between the high fidelity boredom and empire records randomness.

i did the second coat in the kitchen today, sifted through my cds and one caught my eye. my former sunrise colleague now christian pastor friend made me a few cds. his neat capital letter writing catching my eye. a band that he introduced me to and that i will forever associate with him. a double hit this evening in tune with the comment made earlier. it made me miss my wild child nat (jeff buckley makeouts and funny smoke in your van) and her equally wild child sister de, alicia and our wednesday night master pita halvsies (extra alfalfa on my side no sauce on hers), van eck and his balls chillin on the ticketmaster counter (where is this kid???), my reg (always mine despite what your girlfriend says), paz, kristiandavid (fuck fountains of wayne) and KWD my sexual hero (some of my favourite memories involve red wine, johnny's smoke and sitting crossed legged on your floor). i know you don't read this but no matter where you are my friends... you are in my heart always.

i made a new friend tonight. she's 4 and 1/2 and is autistic. she's one of the two kids who live upstairs. we played on the trampoline together. she called me ramone (a penguin on happy feet?) and giggled uncontrollably as i held her hands and bounced her. i hope one day she lets me take a picture of her... with stark white skin, dark hair, a few freckles and eyes just as blue grey as mine are. our first meeting was one full of tears (hers) and then she danced on the lawn and asked me if i wanted to play. and i did. sipping on a corona her dad gave me, bouncing and laughing at nonsense. what a lovely afternoon.

building walls again...

metaphorically speaking...

filling, sanding, priming and painting tangible walls in reality.

late night manual labour leaves the mind free to wander and the heart to hurt.

still missing a few people... ya know?

i start orientation on monday for my new job which i'm pretty excited about. well, not corporate orientation (4 hour snoozeorama) but to see my new unit and start expanding my knowledge base to include trauma and complex burns and neuro and spines and addictions/withdrawl and whatever else they're going to throw at me. can't wait to get my hands dirty and get back to nursing. i've been off for two weeks and i feel like i've forgotten everything already. it's just like riding a bike i suppose you never REALLY forget. might fall off and scrape my knees once in a while but at least they make for good learning experiences i can laugh at (hopefully) later.

in other news, my shoulder is making that sweet grinding sound with overhead extension adduction and abduction and pops with internal rotation... amazing. should probably get that fixed. actually it's been doing this for a while and it's kinda making me nervous. i have this sick feeling in my gut that fixing it is going to require the big S word. (SHHHHH... don't say it.) i've got my fingers crossed it'll be the lesser of the two s word (scope!) evils... but honestly...right now i'd settle for a proper set of xrays. fack.

psychobabble/missingyou

Not going to get into too much detail but...

I moved.... to Vancouver.

I'll explain later.

Drove across this great land of ours with a girl I barely know and had an incredible time doing it.

This actually reminds me a conversation I've had with my good friend Jennie Kiff who I miss terribly not just because of our lunch dates or our patio beer afternoons but how much of an understanding we have of each other even though we haven't been friends for more than a year. One of the greatest compliments I received from her was when she told me that I had reintroduced her/encouraged her to read again. Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)was one of them and Cats Cradle (Vonnegut) was another. Both books have wonderful concepts that permeate into my life and I wanted to share them with her because I thought.. if anyone.. she would appreciate them and she did. There's a fictional concept from Cat's Cradle which is called a karass. Anyone who's read this book will know exactly what I mean and laugh but even though it's a core element of a completely ridiculous fictional religion, as I get older and more people come into my life I believe that this concept exists. A karass is the group of people who are/were meant to be in your life... whether positively or negatively... long term or fleeting... each one of these people has an effect/influence on your existence. And like I said... as life floats on... as people come and go... I believe in my heart and in my soul that they were meant to be a part of me. I guess in real life it translates to an extended family of sorts... not just the ones who are "family" by blood but those who are "family" in a broader, emotional/psychological sense. One day I'll maybe explain it with quantum theory and my own ideas about the collective unconscious... (Dave... a little help?)

When it all comes down to it we're all made of the same stuff my friends....

Apparently this place has turned me into a hippy already...