awake and alone... exhausted but my body is still on night shift time. flipping through my old suicidegirls journals, reminiscing in the spaces between. thinking about the last year of my life... where i've been, where i've come from and the patterns i keep finding in my behaviour and feelings. reliving certain days/nights that have wedged themselves in my memory.
it snowed today... reminded me that this time last year on a night like this, cara and i would be in her bed, blankets up to our chins, wearing toques, cradling hot water bottles to keep warm. smoking joints with mittens on and watching downloaded tv shows on her computer. homemade soups, cups of tea and dessert toast.
cut to january... visiting one of my best friends in santa barbara, drinking beer, playing darts, some old man bought me flowers because i was the only girl in the bar... road trippin down to LA and San Diego... skip to april... visiting my sister in halifax and the idiocy that ensued at peggy's cover and hurting myself.... may.. moving again.. turning 25... and then summer... summer was a whirlwind that left my head spinning... always on the move... living out of my backpack and once for a few days.. out of my purse.
i don't really know where i'm going with this... maybe i'm wishing that i could get back a few things that i lost along the way and maybe i should stop dwelling on what was and focus on what is and what could be. sometimes though.. the loneliness is overwhelming.
its that time of year....
my hands are aching, cracking and bleeding and my cat is kneading my chest... guess that means its time for bed. better go put on the kettle for that hot water bottle...
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