ya ya...

to avoid complete and utter boredom i'll keep the update short and sweet.
everybody likes point form right? and pictures... loooove pictures.

*went home for 2 weeks and watched 2 of my friends get married (not to each other!)
*lost my voice for the vast majority of those 2 weeks as a result of being sick for the first 4 days i was home
*stayed with my wife in ottawa and my good friends dave and robyn in north bay
*got hit on by some creepy dude who kept creeping after mentioning i had a boyfriend several times
*went from blonde to brunette
*had a weird glimpse into what my life would have been like if i had never left ottawa

pictorials:









*shortly after returning from ontario i went to vernon to meet the parents
*was super nervous at first but discovered matthew's mom and i are very similar
*we're both "dippy" as he says
*took some pics with a 20 pound canon (extra battery back plus vertical grip) i could barely hold it up to my eye
*had "squash" pie instead of pumpkin for thanksgiving... and i must say.. it was better... don't tell my aunt margaret

evidence:





*lastly, the old man and i went to a cocktail after wedding party for our lovely friends breadman and adrienne
*got a sweet photo taken
*my mother's comment "whats with all the bare breasted women? lol "
*yes my mother wrote "lol"...love you mom



this night is moving so slowly.

well well...

i know it's been a while and this is all i can come up with.
give me a break though.. i'm at work and don't really have anything meaningful to write. i stole this from daniyell.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 0614 (still on day shift time)

2. Diamonds or pearls? neither... i usually wear wood or surgical stainless steel

3. What was the last film you saw at the movies? Dark Knight probably... in the summertime... yikes

4. What is your favorite TV show? JEOPARDY annnd so you think you can dance

5. What do you eat for breakfast? usually cereal and a cup of tea

6. What is your middle name? Chantele

7. What food do you dislike? OLIVES... filthy little things

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Alela Diane - Pirate Gospel

9. What kind of car do you drive? i like danielle's answer... i drive my feet

10. Favorite sandwich? the kind with lots of tasty veggies on it

12. Favorite item of clothing? my newest bench hoodie

13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would you go? everywhere

14. What color is your bathroom? beige maybe... ask matthew.. he painted it

15. Favorite brand of clothing? bench.. they make sweet hoodies

16. Where would you retire? costa rica

17. Most memorable birthday? 25 with that skank christine... and manuella

18. Favorite Sport to watch? olympic diving

19. Favorite saying? collis este tabernac

20. When is your birthday? not for another 7 months

21. Are you a morning person or a night person? i think i'm a mid morning person; i can also nap anytime of the day

22. What is your shoe size? 8.5

23. Favorite food for Dinner? those tasty spicy shrimpies i poached from a jamie oliver cookbook

24. What did you want to be when you were little? an orthopaedic surgeon

25. What are you doing today? well.. i'm currently working over night... then i shall go home and sleep for a while then venture off for an appointment and cat food

26. What is your favorite candy? the kind that doesn't hurt my teeth

27. What is your favorite flower? not sure.. i like them all

28. What day are you looking forward to most on your calendar? going to vernon, going home for the family christmas par-tay

29. What church do you attend? the church of sleeping in on sunday

30. What are you listening to right now? the white noise of the icu

31. What was the last thing you ate? suzannes fries and pasta

32. Do you wish on stars? hahahah no

33. Do you believe in Angels? not at all

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? a dark red one

35. What is your pet peeve? oooh slow walkers (good one danielle) and people who ask stupid questions

36. Last person you spoke to on the phone? some family member inquiring about a patient

37. Favorite soft drink? ginger ale

38. Favorite restaurant? my kitchen

39. Siblings? i favourite sister!

40. Favorite day of the year? usually christmas

41. Favorite day of the Week? the ones i'm not working

42. Spring or Fall: spring... cause that means the flowers come out and it's (hopefully) going to get warm again

43. Hugs or kisses? both in large quantities

44. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate unless we're talking about soya milk

45. What is under your bed? a stack of skate decks, a tupperware of sheets, an empty shoe box... but no furballs.. i swept it today!

46. Who is the friend you've had longest? jay h... he's known me since i was born... we were bath buddies. maybe don't tell his girlfriend that

47. What did you do last night? worked... came home... made dinner... ate said dinner... cleaned up and went to bed... i know.. i lead an exciting life

48. Favorite smell? anything baking in the oven, clean laundry, lemongrass or ginger

49. What are you afraid of? falling from heights

50. How many keys on your key ring? 6 or 7 maybe...

51. How many years at your current job? one... and one month

52. Favorite city to visit? montreal, san francisco, halifax, toronto

53. How many towns have you lived in? 5 or so

54. Do you make friends easily? i suppose.

The Art of Dying

There's a strange haze over the city tonight. The kind of haze where you’re not quite sure whether it’s cloud cover or night creeping in. The pathetic fallacy that’s synonymous with my mood… unsure if it’s one feeling or the other. Darkness vs distortion.

I had an interesting conversation with a former colleague this evening. The topic surrounded the withdrawal of life support/care on 17-21 year old patients. Zoe left the ICU to go work in a clinic. When she first left I was astounded; flabbergasted as to how you could ever leave the ICU to work in a boring clinic. But a couple of recent experiences enlightened me to how one could leave intensive care and nursing entirely.

A couple weeks ago I took care of a 17 year old victim of a gunshot wound to the face. The ambulance attendants found him Vital Signs Absent (VSA) at the scene… they performed CPR for 10 minutes and brought him back with the knowledge that he would probably have a severe anoxic brain injury. Essentially he was a vegetable with little to no brain activity. Without the ventilator he would be dead since the bullet went right through his spinal cord and severed it… annihilating the brain’s pathway to initiate vital respiration. For two days I took care of him… turned him, bathed him, assessed him to see if there were any signs of brain activity. Vacant stares turned into eyes that closed and would never open again. The mother sobbed at the bedside and begged for more time with her son… praying for a miracle to bring him back to her.

Zoe left a week before that which came as a surprise. The week before she left she admitted a 20 year old boy who thought it was a good idea to jump from roof top to roof top while intoxicated. He ended up herniating his brain into the space where his spinal cord was because there was so much swelling in his head. Zoe kept him comfortable while he passed away. To her, that was the last straw.

As ICU nurses I think there’s this expectation to be strong and distanced and stoic about the people we palliate. Life and death… that is our job. But this doesn’t come without consequence. Underneath we still are humans who feel and hurt and suffer. The things that we do become “normal” to us. Something that is just “part of what we do”. Something that just comes with the territory of being a nurse who works in intensive care. Sometimes we help people live… and sometimes we help people die. I don’t think anybody realizes (even ourselves) how much of an effect that has on our hearts, our minds and our souls. The devastation and the helplessness does NOT pass us by. Outwardly we are expected to keep ourselves together… maintain composure… avoid getting emotionally involved. But how… I ask you… do you do that when you’re watching a 20-year-old boy take his last breaths. How do you tell his mother that everything will be ok? Trying to convince her that her only son is in a better place. How the hell do you do that without falling apart?

That’s why Zoe left. And that will probably be the reason I’ll leave one day. The emotional toll that this job takes is unforgiveable and irrevocable. I’ve cried more over the last 3 weeks than I have over the last year. Some days it makes me sick to my stomach and other days it makes me want to do something completely different than nursing. Something that doesn't make me hurt the way I do.

moved in.

Momma Scap sent me home some herbies from her garden because she couldn't make it out to Vancouver with Poppa Scap.
This is what I did with them.





I worked 72 hours this week. I feel tired and thin but I've got a few more of weeks like this before I go home in September. Gotta pay for rent and weddings and apartment things.

In other news, this was the view from our balcony last night...

...

I shouldn't be cleaning gunshot wounds in the face of a 17 year old boy.

Naughty....

I've been searching for this damn song all day... trying to find a way to get it on my ipod cause I can't get it out of my head... and lo and behold... the damn girl is from Vancouver... for the love of jebus. Finally found a copy of it on the L word Season 3 Soundtrack which is where (duh?!) I first heard it.





Makes me want to dance up on the old man. Unfortunately he's at the new apartment workin' his ass off painting over the god awful peach crap that the dickhead painter put up before. Gross. He's put in about 24 hours in the last 2 days.... lots of work to be done before we move in... Wednesday. It's coming up really soon and guess who starts work tomorrow... me. Sweet. But despite being tight on cash we've got some sweeeet stuff to deck out our pad. It's going to be so nice to have a place to live in that we actually enjoy being in, that's clean and comfortable. No ants, weird bugs, mold, consistently dirty floors... AND how amazing will it be to have an address for more than a year... eh? EH???? I don't think I've had the same address for 2 years in a row since I left 327 Cyr... That works out to moving 6 times in the last 3 years. Can you say....B-A-L-L A-C-H-E?

Now all I have to do is keep my fingers crossed he'll still love me in two years. (Jokes hun... jokes). Despite finding my cellphone in the washing machine yesterday... I'm happy as a clam.

falling in line

Had a good day today. Went on a mission to New West, Main St and Downtown. Sifting through antiques and old tables and dusty books and wobbly chairs. Keys and old cameras, artillery and canvas. Bookshelves and shotgun boxes. Looking for pieces to put in our home. The old man and I signed a lease today. Bought a set of pots and pans today too. Settling into Domesticity; another dimension that I thought I would never see... but it's kinda nice. I've got a good teammate.

nectar bomb

redundant

I think I used the word 'sweet' at least 10 times in the last post. What? The zoo was sweet. For future descriptive reference:

Main Entry: sweet
Part of Speech: adjective
Synonyms: affectionate, agreeable, ambrosial, amiability, angelic, aromatic, attractive, beloved, charming, considerate, delectable, fragrant, fresh, gentle, harmonious, heavenly, honeyed, kind, lovable, lovely, luscious, mellifluous, musical, pleasant, pleasing, pretty, saccharinity, scented, soothing, sugary, sweetness, syrupy, thoughtful, wholesome, winsome


Anyway... today was the fourth nice day we've had in June. Yar. So I was walking around "Greek Day" groovin to this.




7 days baby. 7 days.

0 for 5 Hermiiiidaaaa....

Ben and I went to the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle yesterday. It was super sweet and OBVIOUSLY I took more pictures than necessary. And OBVIOUSLY I'm going to show them to you.. with commentary. More of them can be seen on my stalkbook but you have to be my friend to do that. Or if anybody requests to see them.. maybe I'll post more.
SO... here it goes.

This is kind of irrelevant but... is anybody else sick of gas prices/hearing about gas prices????? Stop shit talking and start coming up with something else more sustainable.... christ. Anyway... $20 got us 4.6 gallons. Sweet.



Ocelots are sweet. Ben says if my kitty looked like that she would be way sweeter. I agree. I bet ocelots don't play fetch though. Take that ocelots.



Piranhas are sweet. I just wouldn't want to swim with them.



Emerald tree boa beautiful snake... beautiful markings.




Toucans... also sweet. This guy was pretty much posing for me.



FLAMINGOS!



Giraffes! The big one was trying to hump the little one but unfortunately I'm not quick enough to catch some sweet sweet giraffe lovin.



Ok... so... I love Hippos, like... for real. They are so sweet that even crocodiles are afraid of them. They look chill but could bite you in half. Don't mess with a hippo.





Elephants are also really sweet. This is the male of the the family. The other two were females and one of them was two steppin. It was pretty funny.



Komodo dragon. He was handsome.



This is a Gila Monster. When I was young my father used to tell us that if we misbehaved the gila monster would get us. Who knew it was a slow moving lizard that is maximum 2 feet long and 5 pounds. Weak. Apparently kids will believe anything.



Reticulated Python... this bad boy is tied for the longest snake in the world. The girth of this fucker was about the size of my head. And yes... I have a fat head.



Northern Pacific Rattlesnake. This fucker is found right here in BC... he's got mad camouflage skills. Word to the wise... don't step on him. We also saw a King Cobra. He was lying on his tummy the whole time so I couldn't get a picture of his sweet hood. So the rattlesnake will have to do.




After the zoo, Benny and I hit the Seattle Mariners game vs the Marlins. Baseball is pretty boring to watch but I had almost forgotten how it felt to step out onto freshly dragged dirt.... the smell of freshly cut grass of the outfield... the feel of playing under the lights... the heckling. We were harassing the right fielder for the Mariners... I kinda felt bad for a bit then thought about how he makes more money in one game than I do in one year.. and then I didn't feel so bad.

Being at the field made me miss all the girls I played ball with... made me miss the camaraderie, scraped knees, slap of leather, double plays, strikeouts, good hits, laughs, post game beers. So this one goes out to all the ladies I've ever played ball with who just played because they loved the game. Good luck this year Phillies.

that's why they call them business socks...

I've been a little bit stressed the last few days... but it's over now... I hope *fingers crossed* that it went well. So here's some things that have been help chilling me out...

I caught one of my favourite Canadian movies on tv the other day... Men with Brooms. Ya sure.. laugh.. but I think it's cute and it's Canadian and it's about curling and it has BEAVERS in it.

The soundtrack reminded me of a few Canadian female singers that I had kinda forgotten about...

A burly girl.. Sarah Harmer...

(full of clips from the movie)



Another quick one.. reminds me of current living situations and how stoked I am to get out.



The other lady I want to mention is from Ottawa (wootwoot).. her name is Kathleen Edwards and my friend Kev plays bass in her band.





Other things of interest... I think this show is absolutely hilarious.







and one last one for good measure.. it might be one of my favourites...

Double Vision

Caught in the locked groove of this long season.
These hours motions circle, still repeating.

The beat moves on itself.
The beat moves on itself.
Every day my love.
Crazy crazy days are gone
when I come home
and we're finally alone.

And I'm caught in your arms safe from a morning.
No one walks out on the tightrope today my love.

The beat moves on itself.
The beat moves on itself.
Every day my love.
Crazy crazy days are gone
when I come home.
Crazy crazy days are gone
when I come home.

We awoke at the edge of a summer.
New days began to stretch their legs
and the tempo's changing to compensate.
The needle finds the groove to free us tonight.

We awoke on the edge of this winter.
The ice melts off and flows in like a song.
The record plays but the needles old.
It lets the player take control.
Move the speakers how they're told.
To make us march for something more.

Music is a sedative
and you put out what you put in.

(mtb)

A Year in Review

Another birthday goes by...
Questions that came up...
How do you feel?
Do you feel any older?
Do you feel any wiser?


To tell you the truth I feel amazing. There's a lot of really wonderful things going on in my life right now and I think as I get older I can approach and appreciate these things completely and without some of the distractions of my youth. So far (hahaha knock on wood)... life seems to get better with age... sure I notice a few more wrinkles... my hips and feet ache more frequently... hangovers last a little longer... but I like the experience that comes with this journey I'm on. Of course there are the ups and downs but I'm hoping that I'm a little bit more level headed about decisions and reactions. I also feel that as I get older the more I crave simplicity in my everyday life. It's all about the little things in life... all those little bits that make up the big picture for me...

I did a lot of things for the first time this year... a lot of things that terrified me...

A little recap perhaps?

*got on stage at a strip club for the first time
*made some new friends
*got stoned with some co-workers
*rode on the back of a motorcycle for the first time
*lived on my own for the first time
*kissed a boy with a girlfriend
*stood up for 2 of my closest friends
*applied for a more challenging job and got it
*moved across the country to a city I had never been to
*drove across Canada with a girl I met the night before
*fell in love
*waited for a man worth waiting for (yes you ding dong)
*learned how to be ok eating by myself at a restaurant
*took out one of my oldest piercings and 3 others
*applied for another job that terrifies me [haven't heard anything yet.. :( ]
*a few other things that i can't tell you about but they were fun... trust me... hahahahahahah

I'm very proud of myself for doing quite a few things that scared me this year. I also like that I think with this "aging" business I'm becoming more honest with myself when I need something to change. Acknowledging it is half the battle... the rest is growing the balls to follow through and accepting the consequences of that.

Yadda yadda yadda...
Anyway... I read this book close to 15 years ago.. lent my copy of it to someone and never got it back. So yesterday when we were in the used bookstore... I was stoked to find a copy of it for $1.87. It's called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. I think he's a pastor or preacher of some sort but his "credo" is solid and I wanted to share it.

"All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together."



Fingers crossed for another wonderful and healthy year. It's started off pretty good so far.
xo




not too bad for 26 eh?
;)

filler

i was going to write a little blurb about my upcoming birthday... about how far i've come in the last year... the changes in my life and the direction my life has taken in 365 days...

but maybe i'll write about it tomorrow..

i'm too busy missing someone.

silence is golden...

Months ago...


Rhythmic footsteps flow seamlessly from a brain on autopilot. I'm glad they know which way is home. I realized today one of the reasons why there's so much static in my head. After being away from the bedside for almost 4 weeks, I became very aware of the hum of the electrical equipment - vents, pumps, monitors, suction... all with their own distinct frequency. All that combined with the puff of mechanical breaths, vent alarms, monitor alarms, infusing intravenous, clicks of the feeding pumps... all melting into an incredible white noise that will always remain.

Today on my journey home I had a beautiful moment of stillness. Silent and completely devoid of that electric hum that permeates my brain. It was on the bus... the perfect time in the morning where no one talks... where there's this unspoken rule to maintain an absence of conversation. It came as a surprise but it was deafening when it did. It felt like what I'd imagine terminal velocity to feel like. Sudden... but time stops: no sound, no movement, nothing. Eyes closed... savouring that single instant. It takes your breath away. And just as suddenly as it happened... the bus jerked back into gear and jerked me back to reality. Killing that second of perfect and utter silence that was audible and tangible. Profound and serene.


Days ago...

SItting on a cool rock in the warm sun... overlooking the sailboats in English Bay.. with only the company of a couple grey herons; a tall can of beer and the occasional straggler wandering off the beaten path. There's something very settling about the quiet lapping of the waves... pulling the tide out uncovering hidden treasures for the casual grazers. Tiny crabs and shells, bits of seaweed; glass with edges smoothed by the sea... nature's little gifts for those who wander with their eyes to the ground searching for something extraordinary. Gentle whispers from people further down the beach... infrequent barks from dogs playing in the water trying to cool off. There's no white noise out here... no electrical hum that endlessly fills my head. Only a light breeze coming off the ocean to break up the heat and toss my hair. My grey heron takes off on soundless wings... I guess its time to go.

it's times like these...

last night i:

-helped a 22 year old girl die
-hugged her parents after she passed and all i could say was "i'm so sorry"
-watched another nurse extract her eyes for possible cornea donation
-had my name written down in an RCMP's little black investigation book
-wrapped her bruised and broken body in a bag and zipped it up over her mangled and swollen face
-admitted a 74 year old man who was filming something while riding his motorcycle in vegas
-changed multiple manky road rash dressings
-tried to get 12 hours of work done in 3

i feel like i've been standing for weeks... sitting feels like a foreign movement to me... something so simple is awkward and flailing. it just doesn't feel right... but my legs and feet are numb... when i wake up they will be stiff and sore... feet so tender that i can barely walk but lucky for me i get to do 12 hours all over again tonight.

all that mattered to me this morning was the sun on my face and the cool breeze on my skin. it was the best feeling after a night like that. sunglasses covering the bags that look like black eyes. meandering home absently on autopilot... legs doing what my brain had short circuited out on about 3 hours ago.

now i'm home.. in bed.
drifting...

small victories

apologies for not posting lately... i was at a point where i didn't have much to say but now that has changed. my mind has been a whirlwind the last few days... chaotic and racing. so much to say but words fail me... or else i stumble and trip over them like an infant learning to walk. my inadequate vocabulary abandons... leaving me useless words to try to convey how i feel and what i mean. i'm a bit of a clusterfuck or... hahahah a hiroshima nuclear bomb as SOMEONE described me... but i'll try.

i read somewhere once that the difference between men and women is simple. men think in straight lines... women.. in curves and circles. and you know... i feel that it accurately describes the layout of my brain.... its like one of those circular labyrinths that circles around and around... random dead ends... open doorways... trap doors... twisty paths until you get to the core. overwhelmed with input.. it spirals... gets lost... gets compartmentalized...gets saved and downloaded or discarded and deleted. i've felt alot like that lately... spinning and spinning until i'm dizzy but when i open my eyes things are even and calm.

it was really hard coming back from toronto this time. it seems to get harder every time. fortunately, i had the opportunity to spend 4 incredible days with the person that i want to be with the most. hanging out and just... being together. it still amazes me how easy it feels to be with him... how honest and open and relaxed it is. how i consistently have this stupid grin on my face.

when i got back to vancouver... all of this terrified me. tiny words with very big meanings crept in and threw a stick in my spokes... at first i tried to avoid it by not verbalizing it. internalizing and trying to keep it separate from everything... that old back up plan of self-preservation. saying it was like admitting guilt of some sort... but it's funny because for the first time in my life i don't feel guilty. i don't feel like i've done something wrong. its quite the contrary actually.... it feels very right. and like i said... it terrifies me but after taking a big deep breath i'm strangely ok with it. the storms have settled for now and calm seas are prevailing...(but it never hurts to be prepared for some unexpected bumps along the way... keeps life interesting)

"small words of encouragement,
small hours of the night,
small wonder you feed my discipline,
feed my 20, 000 reasons to fight...

small change in your pocket,
the small victory songs,
the small steps in the right direction
make more sense than a thousand big ones in the wrong..."

two dolla holla!

honestly.... its 4 am... i might be wasted... but tonight i've never wanted you with me so much ever... i can't even explain it.

sitting ... watching... listening... .. observing idiocy and debauchery and stupidity and wet white tshirt contests alongside $2 drinks...

really? for real? this still happens?

i couldn't believe it... astounded.. disgusted... closed comments in VIP to myself and flynn... shaking my head.... hoping that what i was seeing wasn't really going on... but cheering.... encouraging... deciding between wet white pants and wet fake tits.

i love my sister... i love celebrating birthdays... but maybe i'm getting too old for this partying shit.

note to self

under the suggestion of mr michael wright at the breakfast table this morning...
when i wake up later today i am to post a "blog" about the following items:
a) the logistics of man peeing
b) the occurance of handwashing in relation to the logistics of man peeing
c) wiping vs dabbing vs peepee pants
d) my post night shift gag reflex sensitivity

as for right now... i've got my face washed.. teeth brushed... jammies on... hot water bottle burning my feet... and heartburn that could kill a walrus...

go pantoloc!
which...random tidbit of information can apparently give you a false positive if you're getting you're urine tested for THC...
i'll have to remember that.... hahahah.

k seriously though.... i need to sleep.

if you can dodge a wrench...

not a lot to say really except i'll be leaving for halifax in 17 days and i'll be in hamilton in 23. so stoked.

finally took a look at some of the pics i took at our playoff dodgeball game... which we got annihilated at. but whatever... i had fun the whole entire season.













so i know matthew gets a kick out of this...
it's hailed here once a day (today twice!! and for half an hour!!) for the last 3 days... what the shit?!?!
i get all super stoked seeing the flowering trees.... magnolias almost in bloom... and then it does this.
this is the fruit tree in the backyard... blossums covered in hail. ice is still on the ground.
fucker.




oh... in the last couple of weeks 3 different people have asked me for prints of my photos...
neat.

oh oh. and i can't get this song out of my head.

thank you note

dear dave c,
i woke up this morning with red lipstick all over my mouth.
i may have been kissing your girlfriend last night.
thank you for not kicking my ass.
jess

neat

twice in one day?!

i forgot to mention that my uncle peter (he's the science writer for the toronto star) is once again back up on a giant ship wedged in the ice somewhere in the arctic... he's pretty funny and always rubs in my face his awesome cameras and camera associated toys. he's also an avid nikon user. it was his lenses that i was playing with way back when. he uses a D200 and most recently a D300. he's been using nikons forever i think... especially back before everything went digital.... back when they used to use...*gasp* FILM.

anyway... back to my original point...

he's being a blogasaurus while he's up there... (apparently the arctic has wireless internet)
you can read it HERE.

I have something to tell you...

hahaha this is the funniest thing i've seen in a while...
you've probably seen it but whatever... i laugh my ass off every time i watch it. especially kimmel's response. the josh groban part kills me.








oh ya... this also has some pretty funny shit on it too.

quick.

i miss the summer.
everything seems so much easier then.




i just found this pic lurking my friend bryan's stalkbook. we went out for beers one evening when he was back in ottawa to defend his thesis. he actually just got accepted to the London (UK not shithole Ontario) School of Economics for his PhD. congrats buddy!!!

the last few days i feel like i'm waiting for something that will never come. it's hugely unsettling. and after my last set i kind of dread going into work and i've never felt that way before. i hope its just a phase because honestly i've been thinking about doing something totally unrelated to nursing. i need out of this space. now. i want to feel settled and comfortable and have my own things. have my own space to put these things that are just cluttering up my life right now.

i need to get off the fucking internet and eat... and maybe bake something.
i hope that makes me feel better.

sweetpea

drunkas nuts right now... a few drinks wiht an old friend turned into getting wasted ands breaking shit. or... playing on our upsetears neighbours trampoline... bombed ad trying not to break our necks.

this kid is intown.




haven't seen him in more than a year. so glad he's here.

and i have to fuckin get up in 5 hours .

fack.


i need to be kissed.

2 in a row.

this is going to be another post about nursing... in my experience most people don't want to hear about what i do for a living but you know what... don't read this then. nursing is part of who i am and it's what i do.... so deal with it.

the last 2 nights have been a huge headfuck for me. i admitted a 49 year old lady, previously healthy, last time she was in hospital was to deliver her now 24 year old son. she was admitted for respiratory failure related to a football sized solid tumour in her left breast. on further examination it was shown that she has diffuse metastases throughout her lungs and possibly her brain. she never went to see a doctor because of her abnormally large growth... she and her family thought it was a rash related to her allergies. no joke. because she left it so long she's at the point where a doctor who specializes in breast cancer surgery said there is NOTHING more we can do for her. it's so sad and so tragic that it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. i spent half of last night listening to her shocked and devastated son sob at her bedside.

you know... in my line of work, i deal with the sickest of the sick; cancer, sepsis, MVA's, spinal cord injuries, trauma, multiorgan failure, transplants etc. most of the time you go to work, detach yourself enough so that you can do your job and go home without being completely overwhelmed with all the sickness, the death and the dying. but every now and again you'll get a case that hits home and sends your head spinning. days/nights like these send me home numb, emotionally and physically exhausted, nauseous and unable to sleep. the last time i felt this bad was when i was working in ottawa a couple of years ago and we had a 14 year old boy who had a huge osteosarcoma removed. another devastating cancer case. the only way i know how to deal with things like this is to write about it. i've never shown this to anyone so whether you consider that luck or misfortune, i won't be offended. it's more for me to vent and decompress.

i am a registered nurse in an adult intensive care unit. a large quantity of my patient population has some form of cancer. partially due to age and also in part to having a major cancer centre adjacent to the hospital that i work at. this week marked a first for me... not highly unusual being that i've only worked here since january. on wednesday i met a 14 year old boy who was brought to us after a 20 hour surgery to remove a huge osteosarcoma from his thigh. in order to salvage some of his leg, his lower leg was rotated 180 degrees (called a rotationplasty) and reattached to his hip so that his ankle and foot could be used as a knee joint for prosthesis. let me tell you it's very strange to look in a room and see a backwards foot peeking out of the blankets. sadly limb reattachment surgery does not always heal the way we like. in order to hopefully save the limb, our team started leech therapy to help restore blood flow. while waiting for our 11 bags of leeches to arrive we this poor kid to the hyperbaric chamber (again to give the limb the best possible chance) but not before cutting his eardrums so the pressure in his head could equalize during the dive. it is now saturday morning at 4 am. leeches on for one hour every three hours for the last 4 days. rapidly infusing blood products to replace his huge losses. pain medication continuously pumped into an epidural in his back, frequent boluses to try and control the excruciating pain, IV boluses of narcotics we use for surgical and procedural pain... maxing out our dosing because it wasn't even coming close to relieving it. just turning him to change his blood soaked sheets... his screams still echo in my head. "its not fair", he screams. "why?? why are you doing this to me??". all four of us nurses look at each other and at his father and at him with helpless eyes. soft words of encouragement and guidance to calm him, a hand stroking the peach fuzz that has grown back on his head since he finished chemo. squeezing back tears that burn my eyes while i support the dusky backwards half leg. i thank the higher powers of above that i work in an adult ICU instead of a pediatric one. this is not something i could handle on a daily basis. at least with adults, the end usually comes as a relief. but this, this i don't know how to deal with. i have 2 more nights next door to this little man. i had to write it down... this is how i cope.

in lieu of my recent cancer experience i'd just like to bring to your attention something that i think is super important for both men and women. education and prevention are our two best defenses against cancer. i think the statistic now is 1 in 3 people will be diagnosed with some form of cancer in their lifetime. so i though i would post this. i was happy to find it the education section of the skate4cancer website which advocates for donations to the princess margaret foundation, the centre of cancer research excellence for all of canada. i used to work next door to PMH and it's an amazing hospital. 2 of my family members have been treated there and thankfully both are in remission. so... read this and do it once a month. dudes.. that goes for you too only with your scrotums (ballsacks, if you will). although you should probably check your man boobs... men CAN get breast cancer too. if you find anything at all... ANYTHING out of the ordinary... DO NOT WAIT... PLEASE GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR. even if it turns out to be nothing, at least you know what it isn't.




oh.... and this is this is amazing.

this is how neurotic i am...

so i'm going to be a huge bitch for a moment and rant about the kind of bullshit we as nurses deal with in our jobs... 

today is one of those days that nurses dread across all teaching hospitals... the changing of residents. for non-medical folk, this is the day that our old (2 months), well trained (not all of them) and molded (verbally beaten into submission by ICU nurses... jokes... sort of) docs leave and are replaced by new, green, some fresh out of med school, never stepped foot in a critical care setting residents. 

what does this mean exactly? well... of course... i'm going to tell you. it breaks down (not all of them are like this) to incompetent, useless, inexperienced new docs trying to tell you how to do your job OR attempting to do invasive procedures that they've only read about in books. granted... they're learning... its a teaching hospital but for fuck's sake it seems like they're getting dumber with each new group.

for example:

- my patient today had three chest tubes. two to suction, one to gravity. so during my excruciatingly boring rounds with all 7 new residents occupying our bedspace (pet peeve #1... get the fuck out of my way. DO NOT block my view/pathway to my patient, my monitor or my ventilator... you will get knocked over)... the staffman (intensivist) ask me to turn off the suction to the remaining chest tubes... so while he was slowly explaining something inane i walked over to my bed space (SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY... second time) and proceeded to turn off the suction. piece of cake. flick of a switch. check my 2 pleur-evacs for air leaks and quietly return to my chair. before they start to leave i say, "there is still an air leak with the suction turned off". so as an experiment the team decides to turn up my PEEP without the RT i might add. so they play with my vent, crank the PEEP up to 10 from 0 and see what kind of effect it has on my aforementioned air leak in chest tube #3. when blondie pipes up... "when the floaty thing is up that means the suction is applied. well.. i don't see any floaty thing... is the suction on????"
trying not to pull my hair out, i calmly and sweetly say... "there is no suction. i turned it off because you asked me to." meanwhile in my head im screaming "YOU FUCKING TWIT". pull your skirt down sweetie... it's cutting off the circulation to your brain.

i was thisclose to gouging out my eye with a pen.

another example...one of my buddies today needed a new arterial line in her patient... a skill that is so crucial to critical care. no nurse wants to sit around "assisting" some asshole resident who's stabbing her patient's wrist 42 times because he can't insert a fucking catheter into an artery. FUCKING RT'S CAN DO IT... and they have like 8 years LESS schooling than you do, you twat. ANYWAY... so her resident is at the bedside needle in hand, sterile gloves and gown on wiping the cleaning solution off the patient with a dirty towel. keep in mind this procedure is supposed to be done under sterile technique. 

so my buddy says "um... you've just contaminated your sterile field." 

and he replies "oh.. this is supposed to be sterile?". 

YOU ARE INSERTING SOMETHING THAT BREAKS THE PATIENT'S NATURAL SKIN BARRIER TO INFECTION.... YOU DUMBASS... OF COURSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE STERILE.

eyes were rolling... let me tell you.

but... that wasn't even the best part...

so he finally gets the catheter into the artery and says,

"what do i do now?"

EXCUSE ME???? YOU"RE DOING A LINE INSERTION AND YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT YOU"RE DOING????  

(the proper answer is: make sure there is flashback, feed the guidewire past the black line so it's fully in the artery, then pass the catheter through skin in a twisting motion OVER the guidewire into the artery, remove guidewire, look for blood return, connect to pressurized monitoring tubing, zero system, check/confirm waveform, suture it nicely, clean up the site with saline and top it off with a nice tegaderm dressing)

instead... we got this:

he says to our fellow (intensivist in training)..."well.. i got it in the artery... i just didn't know what to do next."

so gord says... "um... maybe ask for help?"

ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL THEY LET YOU A) GRADUATE MED SCHOOL and B) NEAR PATIENTS??????

neither my buddy nor i could believe it.

unacceptable in an ICU setting.

amazing. absolutely amazing.

ilovemyjob. ilovemyjob. ilovemyjob.

oh.. and my patient blew a pneumo 20 minutes before shift change....

sweet.

shake it...

i'd forgotten how much i like rjd2...




for calla.
i miss you woman.

simmer down...

just got chirped at for not updating my shit for a week...
i haven't really had much to say in terms of general public interest...
i haven't bought groceries in weeks.. my library books are overdue and i probably need to do laundry...
same old shit.. different day.
time and space i guess... i'm needing a little less of one and a little more of the other.

this lady has been here for the last couple of days and its been nice to spend some time with her... i miss random phone calls in the middle of the day...
"beer and a patio?"
"yep, lets go."...



since words are failing me right now... i was told to post pictures...
this is what we did yesterday...





hahah its february...

we also found this little tasty treat...



poor little guy had his insides eaten out.

i had the best hot chocolate of my life yesterday at a little place on denman. super thick foam and chocolate whipped cream. amazing.

the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

so i'm back from whistler... maybe i'll tell you about it later. i think i have to collect my thoughts and reflect about the events that took place in those 3 days. all in all a great time but not without a few thorns in my side.

this was the only picture i took there and selfishly, its of me.




this weekend made me miss someone even more than usual.
other things i miss... natural light, wide open windows, being barefoot in the grass, flowers in my hair and summer freckles. all in due time i guess...





i'm so happy to be back in my own bed.

In Spite of All the Damage...

i like it when benny and i go for walks.

I'm going to Whistler for a few days... wish me luck.

Went for a walk today... 8 degrees out... I can feel the edges of spring creeping in...