small victories

apologies for not posting lately... i was at a point where i didn't have much to say but now that has changed. my mind has been a whirlwind the last few days... chaotic and racing. so much to say but words fail me... or else i stumble and trip over them like an infant learning to walk. my inadequate vocabulary abandons... leaving me useless words to try to convey how i feel and what i mean. i'm a bit of a clusterfuck or... hahahah a hiroshima nuclear bomb as SOMEONE described me... but i'll try.

i read somewhere once that the difference between men and women is simple. men think in straight lines... women.. in curves and circles. and you know... i feel that it accurately describes the layout of my brain.... its like one of those circular labyrinths that circles around and around... random dead ends... open doorways... trap doors... twisty paths until you get to the core. overwhelmed with input.. it spirals... gets lost... gets compartmentalized...gets saved and downloaded or discarded and deleted. i've felt alot like that lately... spinning and spinning until i'm dizzy but when i open my eyes things are even and calm.

it was really hard coming back from toronto this time. it seems to get harder every time. fortunately, i had the opportunity to spend 4 incredible days with the person that i want to be with the most. hanging out and just... being together. it still amazes me how easy it feels to be with him... how honest and open and relaxed it is. how i consistently have this stupid grin on my face.

when i got back to vancouver... all of this terrified me. tiny words with very big meanings crept in and threw a stick in my spokes... at first i tried to avoid it by not verbalizing it. internalizing and trying to keep it separate from everything... that old back up plan of self-preservation. saying it was like admitting guilt of some sort... but it's funny because for the first time in my life i don't feel guilty. i don't feel like i've done something wrong. its quite the contrary actually.... it feels very right. and like i said... it terrifies me but after taking a big deep breath i'm strangely ok with it. the storms have settled for now and calm seas are prevailing...(but it never hurts to be prepared for some unexpected bumps along the way... keeps life interesting)

"small words of encouragement,
small hours of the night,
small wonder you feed my discipline,
feed my 20, 000 reasons to fight...

small change in your pocket,
the small victory songs,
the small steps in the right direction
make more sense than a thousand big ones in the wrong..."