silhouette

had another wonderful day today... breakfast, beach, beers and bbq. sunday afternoons don't get much better than that. made some new friends and had some good laughs. although i was reminded about why eye contact makes me nervous. to tell you the truth lately i haven't really been having any issues with it. a bit of steel in my spine and an open mind has pretty much eliminated that (hahaha) other social anxiety. however, someone today threw me for a bit of a loop. quiet and always watching... made me feel vulnerable and unsettled. reminded me of something i wrote way back in december. i don't feel like reiterating or recycling... so i'll just cut and paste. lazy yes, but it encompasses how i felt then and again today.

dec21/2006.

living souls have been haunting me lately and it makes me uneasy.

eyes clearer than the carribean and as vacant as the skies...
eyes that speak and hear and know everything that i'm feeling...
eyes that keep my shameful secrets behind them...
eyes that promise to see right through me...

Your eyes followed me here...
the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen open when i call his name and follow me around the room. eyes that can only tear and grimace from broken ribs. the nasty reminder of cpr. a seventeen year old boy who felt that his only option was to suffocate himself in a car full of carbon monoxide. there are only two occasions at work where i've almost come undone. this was one of them.

Your eyes sifting my soul...
up until recently i don't think i've ever met anyone who can look at me, know exactly what i'm feeling and what i want to say and then respond without saying anything. eyes darker than sin and even more forbidden. eyes that i want to lose myself in but never ever can.

Your eyes seemless and sure...
eyes that know too much about the bad things i've done. confident and knowing with best intentions to love and protect me as one of his own. he hides my secrets so well i almost forget about them until that all too familiar shame and guilt fill me till i want to explode. he's never judged me and for that i am grateful.

Your eyes... slit the throat of all i know about myself in this life...
eyes that burn so deep and cut right through me. if i look at them head on, i know you'll see i'm full of shit. until i'm ready to bare my soul, for now all you'll get is dodgy eyes and fleeting smiles. you've made me realize how much of a coward i really am.

ghosts of the living.
sweetheart, eyes like yours are dangerous.

reunion...

i went over to my friends chris and katie's place last night. despite my social anxiety and general awkwardness i had a really great time. and just to reinforce the small world principle the first two girls who jace introduced me to were girls i had played basketball with in elementary school. "these are my friends!" she says. hilarious.

fuelled by red wine i met and chatted with some interesting people, all with an interesting story of how and why they're here in vancouver. it seems most people are transplants from all over the country/world. some for school, some for work and some to just be.

caught a cab home at 3am and stumbled into my apartment giggling at the idea of sneaking into bed without waking the girl in bed. which i did... unsuccessfully.

went skating for the first time in this city with chris today. i'm pretty much in love with smooth pavement, gradual hills and cruisin... to the beach. caught up with my friend who i haven't seen in years, amazed at how much he's changed and who he's become. insight of the best kind. we talked at great length about life and love and change. chasing our mutual hangovers with the hair of the dog.... but honestly who can say no to a) $4 pints and b) a cute bartender who accidently brings another pint and tells you she'll pay for it if we drink it. ummm... ok. deal.

kinda glad we're staying in tonight with great mugs of tea, a movie and my big comfy bed.

(still covered in flecks of paint)

been writing a lot lately. turning to it again as a form of therapy. a non-judgemental place to shout, scream, whisper without any ears. sometimes its a warm place and sometimes its lonely and desolate but always there and consistant. and these days where the only constant is change it's welcomed.

i received a comment on the stalkbook today that said "you haven't seen me in years jess, things change". my heart almost broke in half. on the surface.. ya.. this is a given. things change, but the fact that i hadn't seen this person in years isn't. i used to see this person almost everyday. him and a dozen other people who i miss dearly and again.. haven't seen in years. i worked at a music store in shitty brantford on and off for about 4 years. a job that was a weird hybrid between the high fidelity boredom and empire records randomness.

i did the second coat in the kitchen today, sifted through my cds and one caught my eye. my former sunrise colleague now christian pastor friend made me a few cds. his neat capital letter writing catching my eye. a band that he introduced me to and that i will forever associate with him. a double hit this evening in tune with the comment made earlier. it made me miss my wild child nat (jeff buckley makeouts and funny smoke in your van) and her equally wild child sister de, alicia and our wednesday night master pita halvsies (extra alfalfa on my side no sauce on hers), van eck and his balls chillin on the ticketmaster counter (where is this kid???), my reg (always mine despite what your girlfriend says), paz, kristiandavid (fuck fountains of wayne) and KWD my sexual hero (some of my favourite memories involve red wine, johnny's smoke and sitting crossed legged on your floor). i know you don't read this but no matter where you are my friends... you are in my heart always.

i made a new friend tonight. she's 4 and 1/2 and is autistic. she's one of the two kids who live upstairs. we played on the trampoline together. she called me ramone (a penguin on happy feet?) and giggled uncontrollably as i held her hands and bounced her. i hope one day she lets me take a picture of her... with stark white skin, dark hair, a few freckles and eyes just as blue grey as mine are. our first meeting was one full of tears (hers) and then she danced on the lawn and asked me if i wanted to play. and i did. sipping on a corona her dad gave me, bouncing and laughing at nonsense. what a lovely afternoon.

building walls again...

metaphorically speaking...

filling, sanding, priming and painting tangible walls in reality.

late night manual labour leaves the mind free to wander and the heart to hurt.

still missing a few people... ya know?

i start orientation on monday for my new job which i'm pretty excited about. well, not corporate orientation (4 hour snoozeorama) but to see my new unit and start expanding my knowledge base to include trauma and complex burns and neuro and spines and addictions/withdrawl and whatever else they're going to throw at me. can't wait to get my hands dirty and get back to nursing. i've been off for two weeks and i feel like i've forgotten everything already. it's just like riding a bike i suppose you never REALLY forget. might fall off and scrape my knees once in a while but at least they make for good learning experiences i can laugh at (hopefully) later.

in other news, my shoulder is making that sweet grinding sound with overhead extension adduction and abduction and pops with internal rotation... amazing. should probably get that fixed. actually it's been doing this for a while and it's kinda making me nervous. i have this sick feeling in my gut that fixing it is going to require the big S word. (SHHHHH... don't say it.) i've got my fingers crossed it'll be the lesser of the two s word (scope!) evils... but honestly...right now i'd settle for a proper set of xrays. fack.

psychobabble/missingyou

Not going to get into too much detail but...

I moved.... to Vancouver.

I'll explain later.

Drove across this great land of ours with a girl I barely know and had an incredible time doing it.

This actually reminds me a conversation I've had with my good friend Jennie Kiff who I miss terribly not just because of our lunch dates or our patio beer afternoons but how much of an understanding we have of each other even though we haven't been friends for more than a year. One of the greatest compliments I received from her was when she told me that I had reintroduced her/encouraged her to read again. Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)was one of them and Cats Cradle (Vonnegut) was another. Both books have wonderful concepts that permeate into my life and I wanted to share them with her because I thought.. if anyone.. she would appreciate them and she did. There's a fictional concept from Cat's Cradle which is called a karass. Anyone who's read this book will know exactly what I mean and laugh but even though it's a core element of a completely ridiculous fictional religion, as I get older and more people come into my life I believe that this concept exists. A karass is the group of people who are/were meant to be in your life... whether positively or negatively... long term or fleeting... each one of these people has an effect/influence on your existence. And like I said... as life floats on... as people come and go... I believe in my heart and in my soul that they were meant to be a part of me. I guess in real life it translates to an extended family of sorts... not just the ones who are "family" by blood but those who are "family" in a broader, emotional/psychological sense. One day I'll maybe explain it with quantum theory and my own ideas about the collective unconscious... (Dave... a little help?)

When it all comes down to it we're all made of the same stuff my friends....

Apparently this place has turned me into a hippy already...

macro

*went up to the cottage for the august long weekend and ended up playing with my uncle's sigma 150mm macro lens as well as his MF 50mm. i honestly love macro... first of all i'm such a nature geek but i'm also very into textures and colour... i guess maybe that's why i love photography so much.
*here are some of my favourites:

its been a while....

so.. hey...
it has been a while but it's the summertime aka busiest time of my year anyway.
quick updates:
1) separated my shoulder in halifax in april.. and it's still messed up.
2) moved to a one bedroom apartment in may... and i love living on my own.
3) was back and forth between toronto and ottawa quite a bit for this wedding that i was in.
4) found someone who i enjoy spending time with although he's very far away and soon to be further. very thankful for the time we had and when i think about it, it puts a smile on my face. but for now.. i wait. soon enough he says.
5) stood up for a good friend of mine in july... mixed cold meds with copious amounts of alcohol and subsequently barfed 10 times in 12 hours.... but otherwise.. a good time had by all.


pics! (of the wedding)


*this was taken on my hangover sunday by the someone... it was actually a very lovely day.
*getting ready

*the bride's brothers/groomsmen

*Jaime

*the bride

*our bouquets

*laurel getting painted

*i hate polishing cutlery but we did 110 full sets of them

*the best man and his woman

*folding zee napkins

*the groom and his gift to his bride (his wrist)