sink or swim

this is going to be quick because my eyes are burning and i'm exhausted. this monday to friday eight to four shit is killing me. honestly i don't think i'm the type. i love my 12 hour shifts and weekdays off. i don't mind being in a classroom and learning about shit i want to learn about but this overstimulus/understimulus stuff has got to go. i'm overwhelmed by the amount of paper that this hospital wastes. for a city that seems to be a little more environmentally concerned... this is ridiculous... 6 pages of admission orders??? 6 pages of nursing flowsheets/documentation???? 6 page MARS???? is this for real?? apparently it is. but i guess that's part of the adventure right? i'm a little hesistant to completely change the way i think and do my job but i'm going to have to. also the group i'm orienting with is pretty good. a couple brits and aussies and a newish grad from niagara falls. after our shitty computer class tomorrow we're all going to a pub to get licked. we feel that we deserve it. a whole week of tearing down a lot of ingrained practices and procedures. its a real kick in the face... confidence wise.

anyway.. enough bitching for now... i am enjoying the anatomy and pathology and pathophysiology review. gonna curl up in a few minutes to finish my chapter on the electrophysiology of the heart and all the arrhythmias that go along with it. shit like this always reminds me of how amazing the human body is and how much in awe of it i am. how its evolved into this incredible machine that regulates and repairs itself... has protective mechanisms in place.... compensations for failure or invasion... and how fragile yet resiliant we are. seriously... it blows me away.

i really need to close my eyes. for real.

(i think these are two of the most beautiful parts of the cardiovascular system... yes. i am a dork.)

(but it's those little things that count the most)

fluff your pillow?

just a few housekeeping items today...



A) my friend Jacey just got a job at the Safe Injection Site (SIS) here in vancouver. despite what you're probably thinking (giving free needles to IV drug users?) this place is an amazing addition to the community of downtown east van. do me and these people a favour and suspend your judgement for 10 minutes... poke through this website http://www.communityinsite.ca/index.html and do a little reading (there's 21 PUBLISHED educational papers supporting this endevour). honestly, it's an incredible support for harm reduction (decreasing the spread of HIV/HEP C), decreasing overdoses, infections and increasing this populations exposure to the health care system, detox and withdrawl programs. it might seem like backwards thinking but it's not. there has been a significant improvement in the health and safety in the area since INSITE opened in 2003. the federal government is to review whether or not they will continue funding this operation. click on the little "show your support button", find the letter to the PM, type in your little emaily address and hit send. it's conservative assholes like our current government who thinks harm reduction programs are a load of bunk. take that jerkass mayor of ottawa eliminating the crack pipe program... saying it encourages and enables people to smoke crack. apparently they don't realize that people will smoke crack regardless... we might as well encourage them to do it cleanly and safely. pulling the clean kits off the street isn't going to eliminate your crack problem ottawa... you fuckin idiots. it's like the pope's messed up thinking that providing african women with condoms to protect themselves vs HIV is going to encourage them to have more promiscuous sex. same thing applies here in vancouver. the fact of the matter remains PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ENGAGE IN RISK TAKING BEHAVIOUR regardless if they have clean paraphenalia, condoms... whatever or not. at least we can provide education and basic clean apparatus under the supervision of qualified nurses and doctors. how about we prevent some of those wounds and abcesses that require heaving packing and hardcore antibiotic treatment which costs the health care system a helluva lot more than a fucking one cc syringe. or overdoses requiring a $15000 a day ICU stay... sorry... i feel really strongly about this and for the nurses who do such an amazing job with street nursing and dealing with addictions and mental health. ("i saw someone shoot up in her jugular today"... kudos ladies and gents. kudos.



B) this is my friend gordie. (i didn't take this pic unfortunately) if you're in the montreal area between september 19th and 25th. hit up galerie espace and check out his photography show. he has an amazing way of looking at the world and it's truly reflected in his art. so go see it or look at a few of his pics on his website over there in the check it corner. he hinted the other day that a photo of me might be in this show however i can only recall him photographing me once and he was in the pic as well.



love this pic of his.

C) a few pics from johnston canyon in banff. i finally replaced my lens cap that got swallowed by this little beauty of a crevice. more later when i'm not lazy.

silhouette

had another wonderful day today... breakfast, beach, beers and bbq. sunday afternoons don't get much better than that. made some new friends and had some good laughs. although i was reminded about why eye contact makes me nervous. to tell you the truth lately i haven't really been having any issues with it. a bit of steel in my spine and an open mind has pretty much eliminated that (hahaha) other social anxiety. however, someone today threw me for a bit of a loop. quiet and always watching... made me feel vulnerable and unsettled. reminded me of something i wrote way back in december. i don't feel like reiterating or recycling... so i'll just cut and paste. lazy yes, but it encompasses how i felt then and again today.

dec21/2006.

living souls have been haunting me lately and it makes me uneasy.

eyes clearer than the carribean and as vacant as the skies...
eyes that speak and hear and know everything that i'm feeling...
eyes that keep my shameful secrets behind them...
eyes that promise to see right through me...

Your eyes followed me here...
the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen open when i call his name and follow me around the room. eyes that can only tear and grimace from broken ribs. the nasty reminder of cpr. a seventeen year old boy who felt that his only option was to suffocate himself in a car full of carbon monoxide. there are only two occasions at work where i've almost come undone. this was one of them.

Your eyes sifting my soul...
up until recently i don't think i've ever met anyone who can look at me, know exactly what i'm feeling and what i want to say and then respond without saying anything. eyes darker than sin and even more forbidden. eyes that i want to lose myself in but never ever can.

Your eyes seemless and sure...
eyes that know too much about the bad things i've done. confident and knowing with best intentions to love and protect me as one of his own. he hides my secrets so well i almost forget about them until that all too familiar shame and guilt fill me till i want to explode. he's never judged me and for that i am grateful.

Your eyes... slit the throat of all i know about myself in this life...
eyes that burn so deep and cut right through me. if i look at them head on, i know you'll see i'm full of shit. until i'm ready to bare my soul, for now all you'll get is dodgy eyes and fleeting smiles. you've made me realize how much of a coward i really am.

ghosts of the living.
sweetheart, eyes like yours are dangerous.

reunion...

i went over to my friends chris and katie's place last night. despite my social anxiety and general awkwardness i had a really great time. and just to reinforce the small world principle the first two girls who jace introduced me to were girls i had played basketball with in elementary school. "these are my friends!" she says. hilarious.

fuelled by red wine i met and chatted with some interesting people, all with an interesting story of how and why they're here in vancouver. it seems most people are transplants from all over the country/world. some for school, some for work and some to just be.

caught a cab home at 3am and stumbled into my apartment giggling at the idea of sneaking into bed without waking the girl in bed. which i did... unsuccessfully.

went skating for the first time in this city with chris today. i'm pretty much in love with smooth pavement, gradual hills and cruisin... to the beach. caught up with my friend who i haven't seen in years, amazed at how much he's changed and who he's become. insight of the best kind. we talked at great length about life and love and change. chasing our mutual hangovers with the hair of the dog.... but honestly who can say no to a) $4 pints and b) a cute bartender who accidently brings another pint and tells you she'll pay for it if we drink it. ummm... ok. deal.

kinda glad we're staying in tonight with great mugs of tea, a movie and my big comfy bed.

(still covered in flecks of paint)

been writing a lot lately. turning to it again as a form of therapy. a non-judgemental place to shout, scream, whisper without any ears. sometimes its a warm place and sometimes its lonely and desolate but always there and consistant. and these days where the only constant is change it's welcomed.

i received a comment on the stalkbook today that said "you haven't seen me in years jess, things change". my heart almost broke in half. on the surface.. ya.. this is a given. things change, but the fact that i hadn't seen this person in years isn't. i used to see this person almost everyday. him and a dozen other people who i miss dearly and again.. haven't seen in years. i worked at a music store in shitty brantford on and off for about 4 years. a job that was a weird hybrid between the high fidelity boredom and empire records randomness.

i did the second coat in the kitchen today, sifted through my cds and one caught my eye. my former sunrise colleague now christian pastor friend made me a few cds. his neat capital letter writing catching my eye. a band that he introduced me to and that i will forever associate with him. a double hit this evening in tune with the comment made earlier. it made me miss my wild child nat (jeff buckley makeouts and funny smoke in your van) and her equally wild child sister de, alicia and our wednesday night master pita halvsies (extra alfalfa on my side no sauce on hers), van eck and his balls chillin on the ticketmaster counter (where is this kid???), my reg (always mine despite what your girlfriend says), paz, kristiandavid (fuck fountains of wayne) and KWD my sexual hero (some of my favourite memories involve red wine, johnny's smoke and sitting crossed legged on your floor). i know you don't read this but no matter where you are my friends... you are in my heart always.

i made a new friend tonight. she's 4 and 1/2 and is autistic. she's one of the two kids who live upstairs. we played on the trampoline together. she called me ramone (a penguin on happy feet?) and giggled uncontrollably as i held her hands and bounced her. i hope one day she lets me take a picture of her... with stark white skin, dark hair, a few freckles and eyes just as blue grey as mine are. our first meeting was one full of tears (hers) and then she danced on the lawn and asked me if i wanted to play. and i did. sipping on a corona her dad gave me, bouncing and laughing at nonsense. what a lovely afternoon.

building walls again...

metaphorically speaking...

filling, sanding, priming and painting tangible walls in reality.

late night manual labour leaves the mind free to wander and the heart to hurt.

still missing a few people... ya know?

i start orientation on monday for my new job which i'm pretty excited about. well, not corporate orientation (4 hour snoozeorama) but to see my new unit and start expanding my knowledge base to include trauma and complex burns and neuro and spines and addictions/withdrawl and whatever else they're going to throw at me. can't wait to get my hands dirty and get back to nursing. i've been off for two weeks and i feel like i've forgotten everything already. it's just like riding a bike i suppose you never REALLY forget. might fall off and scrape my knees once in a while but at least they make for good learning experiences i can laugh at (hopefully) later.

in other news, my shoulder is making that sweet grinding sound with overhead extension adduction and abduction and pops with internal rotation... amazing. should probably get that fixed. actually it's been doing this for a while and it's kinda making me nervous. i have this sick feeling in my gut that fixing it is going to require the big S word. (SHHHHH... don't say it.) i've got my fingers crossed it'll be the lesser of the two s word (scope!) evils... but honestly...right now i'd settle for a proper set of xrays. fack.

psychobabble/missingyou

Not going to get into too much detail but...

I moved.... to Vancouver.

I'll explain later.

Drove across this great land of ours with a girl I barely know and had an incredible time doing it.

This actually reminds me a conversation I've had with my good friend Jennie Kiff who I miss terribly not just because of our lunch dates or our patio beer afternoons but how much of an understanding we have of each other even though we haven't been friends for more than a year. One of the greatest compliments I received from her was when she told me that I had reintroduced her/encouraged her to read again. Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)was one of them and Cats Cradle (Vonnegut) was another. Both books have wonderful concepts that permeate into my life and I wanted to share them with her because I thought.. if anyone.. she would appreciate them and she did. There's a fictional concept from Cat's Cradle which is called a karass. Anyone who's read this book will know exactly what I mean and laugh but even though it's a core element of a completely ridiculous fictional religion, as I get older and more people come into my life I believe that this concept exists. A karass is the group of people who are/were meant to be in your life... whether positively or negatively... long term or fleeting... each one of these people has an effect/influence on your existence. And like I said... as life floats on... as people come and go... I believe in my heart and in my soul that they were meant to be a part of me. I guess in real life it translates to an extended family of sorts... not just the ones who are "family" by blood but those who are "family" in a broader, emotional/psychological sense. One day I'll maybe explain it with quantum theory and my own ideas about the collective unconscious... (Dave... a little help?)

When it all comes down to it we're all made of the same stuff my friends....

Apparently this place has turned me into a hippy already...