i have so much shit flying through my head at the moment that even vomiting a small bit of irrelevancy out onto paper/screen)?) will help. i had a horrific nightmare this morning... i woke up (in my dream) and i was informed by my parents that i was getting married today... at 230 and it was 200. a) i hadn't showered (ha!) and b) i had no idea who the fuck i was marrying... and i remember feeling... what if he doesn't show up.... thank god i woke up as soon as i stepped into the shower.. cause the dream up until that point was terrifying.
and you know... as much as i chirp about how scary marriage is... i think its more of a cover up for my fear of failure. i had/have grown up with such a beautiful example of marriage that i'm very afraid of attempting something like that and fucking up... so i'd rather avoid the situation than fail. not that i'm anywhere close to it... but my father used to tell me... if you're going to do something... do it right. hahaha see... terrifying.
anyway... i spent most of the evening sitting in an oversized armchair sipping a large glass of wine... feeling tiny and listening to stories and participating in discussions with some of my favourite and first people that i have had the pleasure to meet since i've been in vancouver. we had gotten together to send off the second aussie who oriented with us... who is also leaving to move back home. i'm very sad to see them go but tonight we made tentative plans to do a trip to aus in october 2009. as much shit talking that gets thrown around with a few drinks... i have a feeling that this might happen. with one of the brits already applying for her aus license and the ideas in my head of doing helicopter evacs... (apparently i need my midwifery training... its not like i haven't wanted to do that for several years AND they'll pay for it. zing!) sign this girl up. i need an awesome vacation/life direction to look forward to... just gotta brush up on my ventilation modes and procedures to deliver(catch) babies. ha!
i have to close my eyes. for real. i'll probably delete this tomorrow.
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