do what you love and fuck the rest.

watched little miss sunshine again today. what a great movie.

been watching a lot of movies lately due to the poorness factor. caught march of the penguins yesterday which was pretty amazing and moby dick (1952) on my changeover from days to nights. pretty sweet effects if you ask me. hahah now that i know the ending i guess i don't have to finish the book. just kidding. i'll probably read it anyway. although it's kind of taken a backseat to the national geographic channel lately. ya. i'm a dork. whatever. i deal.

had a few beers at brad and leanne's last night and flipped back and forth between evil dead 2 and the dirty mind of young sally aka 70's softcore. mustaches... everywhere. they have a sweet projector set up so yes.. we watched it on a 6 foot screen and laughed our asses off.

4-6 beers later (apparently i'm slow and ben was thirsty) we headed up to gastown and met some good dudes and some dumb broads, had a few more and tried to get into the cambie. got booted out of there, got asked on a date, grabbed a cab and got booted out of that... thanks ben. all in all it was a pretty funny night. walked around downtown a bit, tried not to get stabbed... you know. the usual. heading out to a reggae party this evening. i'm not really a clubbin' kind of girl but i'm going with some good people so this girl will be shakin' her white ass.

probably should go eat something though. pizza and cupcakes might not cut it. SPEAKING OF CUPCAKES... this http://www.cupcakesonline.com opened up about 3 minutes from my house. you can smell them walking down the street. my hood just got a whole lot tastier.

also.. my friend calla is a photographer out of toronto and she just redid her website. go look at it please (check it... top right). you won't be disappointed. she does some really wonderful things with the daily bread food bank, women in zambia, children in israel... that sort of thing. she's a pretty awesome person who takes amazing photos.

a throwback

I just wanted to share one of the greatest compliments I've received as a nurse. On friday when I was bathing my patient he asked me if my mother was from the old school. I kind of looked at him and replied "well my mother wasn't a nurse if that's what you mean".

"No no," he says, "It seems that she did right by you."

I looked at him a bit confused but told him that I was fortunate enough to come from a really great family. Had a really wonderful upbringing from good hardworking parents. "I know," he says to me, "it shows in the way you take care of your patients. You're old school."

Very cool. I should tell my parents that the next time I talk to them.

i know the feeling, know you're leaving.

cold pasta might be the second best thing for a hungover tummy. kinda nostalgic this morning after waking up feeling like shit from (ok well... beer and) another psychological head trip nightmare. a questioning crossroads of relationships old and new. questions muddling my already aching head.

sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching dazed and confused and cleaning out emails from more than 2 years ago. reminiscing on old friends, lovers, adventures. purging loves gained and loves lost. spoke with one of those friends this afternoon, had some good laughs and good memories. may mornings in montreal, cafe joes, cnn and movies. feels like a million years ago.

anyway... found this which is my friend chanel's favourite poem. i love the beauty of the words and imagery. its tangible and sensual. this author also wrote one of my favourite books called... In the Skin of a Lion. it is also very beautifully written and the love in it is visceral. read it if you get a chance... it takes place in toronto in the 20s and 30s. made me fall in love with a city that lived in for 2 summers.

THE CINNAMON PEELER
by Michael Ondaatje

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
-- your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.
And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.

and knew

what good is it to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.

guilty of this...

edit.
so ya... i really shouldn't be let near a computer while intoxicated mostly because apparently i think it's a great idea to post nonsensical garbage in forums that require damage control in the morning.

finally met a friend of a friend and she was positively wonderful. super fun girl... loves to laugh and extremely beautiful in real life even if she was hung over as balls.

quick breakdown of the night:
boysnightout.. good set
DRY VENUE.... worst ever
drinks at the morrissey
sitting at the end of the bar
thermostat - aloha
fireball shots with the gentlemen (ok they're DEFINITELY not gentlemen)
mouthing off costa on the walk to the car
birthdays
funny rides home

nice.xo

weak.

i think i've mentioned this before but... i'm usually amazed at the nurses that i meet. went out again with a the brit couple that joined our crew. pints, glasses of wine and bellinis. it honestly amazes me the personalities, values and beliefs that nurses encompass. the experiences, the stories, the compassion, the fiery deference that stiffens the spine. people wonder what we do... the only way i can describe it is partially nursing, partially medicinal, partially social worker, physiotherapist, occupational therapist or respiratory therapist. the job i get paid for encompasses 10 different professions yet i get paid for one. HOWEVER.. i love what i do and the options that my profession provides... travel, education and experience.
i love listening to the words that come out of my colleagues... their stories, their experiences, their reflections on what nursing is and what it means to them. ultimately i think there's a big femenist component that we need to embrace and start eliminating the cattiness aspect however being a female dominiated profession... how the fuck are we going to do that. the competition between women is so different than the competition between men. men will beat the shit out of each other and be done with it. women... on the other hand... hold grudges, keep secrets, fake companionship and ensure retribution. we are the ultimate in manipulation and mind games.

i hate it. i hate the fact that women are socialized to be babymakers, mothers, wives, stereotypical role models. not that i don't mind these roles but the fact they feel forced upon me vs choosing them is very non-conducive to my progression towards the expected. in reality it makes me avoid what's expected of me and I kind of like it. not that i've ever really felt conventional or conformist but somedays reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

ridiculous.

some of the note's i've received from friends.... "fuck vancouver. come back here.......asshole. i love you. "

purple rain

preemptive apologies because this is going to be a bitchfest. straight up this monday to friday 8-4 shit is killing me. i don't know how the vast majority of the population handles this. structured days, structured breaks, structured time. boring people talking about boring things. i feel a little insane at the moment because sitting in a windowless room... at a table... staring at a screen... being talked at for 8 hours of the day...makes me want to stick sharp objects in my eye. leg shaking.. foot tapping... constant shifting in my seat... brow furrowed... these are my signs and symptoms of restlessness. i practically sprinted out of the unit today because i couldn't wait to get out.

and it's only wednesday.

good news though.. i have a date with a good lookin woman on sunday evening to the boys night out show. jealous? you should be.

not much to say...

my nightmares are increasing with psychological intensity with each passing night. exhausted but afraid to sleep.

i can't wait for the weekend.