silhouette

had another wonderful day today... breakfast, beach, beers and bbq. sunday afternoons don't get much better than that. made some new friends and had some good laughs. although i was reminded about why eye contact makes me nervous. to tell you the truth lately i haven't really been having any issues with it. a bit of steel in my spine and an open mind has pretty much eliminated that (hahaha) other social anxiety. however, someone today threw me for a bit of a loop. quiet and always watching... made me feel vulnerable and unsettled. reminded me of something i wrote way back in december. i don't feel like reiterating or recycling... so i'll just cut and paste. lazy yes, but it encompasses how i felt then and again today.

dec21/2006.

living souls have been haunting me lately and it makes me uneasy.

eyes clearer than the carribean and as vacant as the skies...
eyes that speak and hear and know everything that i'm feeling...
eyes that keep my shameful secrets behind them...
eyes that promise to see right through me...

Your eyes followed me here...
the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen open when i call his name and follow me around the room. eyes that can only tear and grimace from broken ribs. the nasty reminder of cpr. a seventeen year old boy who felt that his only option was to suffocate himself in a car full of carbon monoxide. there are only two occasions at work where i've almost come undone. this was one of them.

Your eyes sifting my soul...
up until recently i don't think i've ever met anyone who can look at me, know exactly what i'm feeling and what i want to say and then respond without saying anything. eyes darker than sin and even more forbidden. eyes that i want to lose myself in but never ever can.

Your eyes seemless and sure...
eyes that know too much about the bad things i've done. confident and knowing with best intentions to love and protect me as one of his own. he hides my secrets so well i almost forget about them until that all too familiar shame and guilt fill me till i want to explode. he's never judged me and for that i am grateful.

Your eyes... slit the throat of all i know about myself in this life...
eyes that burn so deep and cut right through me. if i look at them head on, i know you'll see i'm full of shit. until i'm ready to bare my soul, for now all you'll get is dodgy eyes and fleeting smiles. you've made me realize how much of a coward i really am.

ghosts of the living.
sweetheart, eyes like yours are dangerous.