beeeef...

yes thats right... i'm the kind of girl who doesn't update for a week and then comes back with a complaint. its petty... its superficial but i'm kinda pissed dammit.

so... long story short my favourite jeans got torn up the left pant leg from some 17 year old jerkoff stepping on me.... anyway... i'm tempted to fix them but i'm physically handicapped when it comes to sewing so... i went off on a little adventure to find a new pair of jeans today knowing that its always difficult to find a nice pair that fit properly and not settle for a pair that look just ok. how can it be that difficult you ask? 

well i'll tell you. in case you haven't noticed pretty much every woman has a different shape to them... therefore how do they expect that standardizing waist sizes and leg length sizes are going to suit people. clearly we didn't pop out of a cookie cutter. for example... some women have large waists, large hips but skinny and short legs....  so to fit your ass you have to settle for big baggy super long legs....another example... i have a small waist, big hips, medium sized legs in width and length so i get stuck with waists that are too big and legs that are either too long or too skinny.

also buying jeans might be the most emotionally traumatizing shopping experience for a woman (other than buying a bathing suit) and it's best for everyone's mental health if these experiences that end in self loathing be avoided as much as possible. anyway... i set off today preparing myself for the depression that i would sink into over the course of the day...

i went into one of the stores on broadway thinking they might possibly have something that would make me happy and much to my dismay..... 98% of the jeans that they had were FUCKING SKINNY JEANS.

what's the big fuckin deal jess? why do you have such a hate on for skinny jeans?

WELL... 

a) only about 2% of the population can wear skinny jeans appropriately.

b) they're really unflattering on the rest of the people who wear them

c) i tried a pair on today... and could barely get my feet through the foot hole meanwhile the waist was too big and crotchal area resembled boys pants (adequate penis room despite me being sans wang)

d) my legs got claustrophobic

e) NOT EVERYONE WEARS OR WANTS TO WEAR SKINNY JEANS

ughhhhhh......

i ended up getting the only pair in the store that weren't skinny. still straight leg though... not ideal but at least they've got a sick wash to them.  picked up a sweet pair of shorts ( a little early... perhaps) and a little black volcom dress. score. summer needs to hurry the shit up. 

this song kept me in good spirits today despite my little trip on the skinny jeans bitter bus.

edited to add: i renewed my bc nursing license. guess i'm sticking around vancouver for another year...

in reverie...

there's one night a week where i get the whole house to myself. 

sometimes i'm really glad it falls on a saturday.

clean sheets. cup of tea. hot water bottle. kitty. blue planet.

excuse me while i push my glasses up.

my head is still a cluttered mess but it's a bit relieving to know that (most of the time) i've got my shit together. 

I was married...

ok so...  i might be slightly intoxicated and this might be a bad idea but whatever...

i have so much shit flying through my head at the moment that even vomiting a small bit of irrelevancy out onto paper/screen)?) will help.  i had a horrific nightmare this morning... i woke up (in my dream) and i was informed by my parents that i was getting married today... at 230 and it was 200. a) i hadn't showered (ha!) and b) i had no idea who the fuck i was marrying... and i remember feeling... what if he doesn't show up.... thank god i woke up as soon as i stepped into the shower.. cause the dream up until that point was terrifying. 

and you know... as much as i chirp about how scary marriage is... i think its more of a cover up for my fear of failure. i had/have grown up with such a beautiful example of marriage that i'm very afraid of attempting something like that and fucking up... so i'd rather avoid the situation than fail. not that i'm anywhere close to it... but my father used to tell me... if you're going to do something... do it right. hahaha see... terrifying.

anyway... i spent most of the evening sitting in an oversized armchair sipping a large glass of wine... feeling tiny and listening to stories and participating in discussions with some of my favourite and first people that i have had the pleasure to meet since i've been in vancouver. we had gotten together to send off the second aussie who oriented with us... who is also leaving to move back home. i'm very sad to see them go but tonight we made tentative plans to do a trip to aus in october 2009. as much shit talking that gets thrown around with a few drinks... i have a feeling that this might happen. with one of the brits already applying for her aus license and the ideas in my head of doing helicopter evacs... (apparently i need my midwifery training... its not like i haven't wanted to do that for several years AND they'll pay for it. zing!) sign this girl up. i need an awesome vacation/life direction to look forward to... just gotta brush up on my ventilation modes and procedures to deliver(catch) babies. ha!

i have to close my eyes. for real. i'll probably delete this tomorrow.

drunken love notes

found this in my facebook inbox today... 

you + me = the redefinitions of sweet hangin. I can't wait to see you. Im in Japan.. its SOOOOOOO fuckin weird.. I can't even discribe. So humbling, cuz i put the 'E' in igenant! You may or may not get to meet the new lady... depending on work.

Im sweating with anticipation.. and im drunk of jap beer

Sean.

this kid kills me. i haven't seen him in over a year since those burly kids played capital. he's going to be in vancouver for a few days before their show so i have a good feeling there's going to be some funny hangouts, beer, tasty vegan treats and "safety meetings". i'm hoping (fingers crossed) we can go on an adventure here post safety meeting because that would make me very happy.   

in other news... this Family launched their new website tonight. go check it out... read and learn and appreciate.

lots of integrity and lots of respect.


benny and i hit granville island today to finish off his christmas shopping... ended up hitting up a book store and once again i couldn't help myself. picked up life after god by douglas coupland (excellent book) and eleven minutes by paulo coelho who also wrote one of the books that changed my life (the alchemist). this is how my stack is shaping up...

i'm actually really stoked on the edgar allen poe collection. i found it bubble wrapped and secured with hospital tape wedged in my door when i got back from ontario. brendan sent it from california. i miss that boy a whole helluva lot. come visit us dammit.

i'm getting my hurr cut tomorrow. thank god... its getting a bit mullet-like in the back.

well that was quick...

"All my life I have loved travelling at night, with a companion, each of us discussing and sharing the known and familiar behaviour of the other. It's like a villanelle, this inclination of going back to events in our past, the way the villanelle's form refuses to move forward in linear development, circling instead at those familiar moments of emotion. Only the rereading counts, Nabokov said. So the strange form of that belfry, turning onto itself again and again, felt familiar to me. For we live with those retrievals from childhood that coalesce and echo throughout our lives, the way shattered pieces of glass in a kaleidoscope reappear in new forms and are songlike in their refrains and rhymes, making up a single monologue. We live permanently in the recurrence of our own stories, whatever story we tell." (p136)

Finished Divisadero this morning and I just loved it. Might have to pick up a copy when it comes out in paperback to add to my thinned book collection. It will fit perfectly in between In the Skin of a Lion (Onadaatje) and Orwell's 1984. 

Yesterday Alyssa made the mistake of taking me into Chapters and despite having a stack of books to read from the library, I bought 4 more to add to the collection.  I have this thing were I like having copies of my favourite books so I can reread them whenever I want and not have to worry about late fees. One might be sent out as a gift though.

Also went and saw Juno last night. Hilariously written and brilliantly acted. I can' t wait to see it again. 

Random tidbits for today: my allergies are going INSANE and my cat loves Miles Davis

a fox's wedding

one of my goals for this year (i don't make resolutions because i never stick with them) was to read more. so i went to the library yesterday and grabbed a few books. one of them from the fast read section (motivation). started reading Divisadero by MIchael Ondaatje, a Canadian author who i've mentioned before. i'm only about 43 pages in (the trials of reading at work... shhhhhh) and it's classic Ondaatje... visceral, sensual and so tangible you can touch it.


"Everything is biographical, Lucian Freud says. What we make, why it is made, how we draw a dog, who it is we are drawn to, why we cannot forget. Everything is collage, even genetics. There is a hidden presence of others in us, even those we have known briefly. We contain them for the rest of our lives, at every border that we cross." (pg16)

i have a feeling i'll get through this one quickly.

other books i grabbed (random much?):
The Giver - Lois Lowry (my sister loved this one... )
The Children of Men - P.D. James (made into a movie... i usually like reading the book first)
The Best Thing for You - Annabel Lyon (3 novellas i think, also another Canadian author)
Everywoman's Money Book - Betty Jane Wylie & Lynne MacFarlane (hahah co-insides with another goal for this year... better money management... hahaha)
The Idiot's Guide to Philosophy - Jay Stevenson (i wanted a brief review instead of going back to course notes {blehhh}, also includes a little section on karma... hahaha)

i'll let you know if they're any good.
for now... back to bed with my cup of tea.

weak attempt.

back in vancouver...



i have so much to say but can't find the words to adequately describe how i feel. my brain is a cluttered, confused mess right now that will take some time to sort out. i hate how my subconscious knows exactly how to headfuck me at just the right time. for now, i have to take care of the superficial and try to ignore the internal. laundry, groceries, nap, work.

real life awaits.

endnote:
these were some of the only photos i took while back in ontario. too busy being selfish and trying to keep the little moments for myself.